Conquering Holli's Mind Games

Sometimes, I find myself wondering what the point is. What’s the point of going to grad school fulltime? Will something come of all this toil and effort? I’m not sure, and the unknown is a scary place.

As of a week ago, I just finished my first year of Divinity School at Campbell. I finally got a better job after a year of working at places like Food Lion and Domino’s Pizza. I am dating the person who I’m 99.99% sure I will be spending the rest of my life with (and that’s a pretty high percentage). The point is, there are good things happening in my life.

What I find curious is that the tangible, logical facts and events do not replace the feelings that I have inside. The unknown has the potential to be destructive and numbing.

When the years of studying and effort are finished, I will have two Masters Degrees: one in Divinity and one in Counseling. Hopefully, I will be able to find a job. The time between those events and now is a season of preparation. I must remind myself that this is a temporary season.

The moral of this tiny rant is this: I must be at peace with the stage of life I am in, and I must fully be present in it. Why? Because otherwise, fear of the unknown future could steal the joy and fullness away from my present; it could consume my mind and leave me in a constant state of zoned out doom.

I wanted to share my head issues with anyone who may want to read about them. Hopefully, we can all link arms and help each other through the unknowns of life and the future.  Let's avoid a major face-palm.

Responding to HB2

The Facts: 

On Wednesday, March 23, North Carolina passed a law called HB2. The law is also known as Charlotte's Bathroom Bill. The law effects many members of the LGBT Community (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered).  

Transgendered people do not identify with their biological sex. Despite what sexual organs they were born with, in their hearts and minds, they do not feel that their outsides match their insides. Trans people do not always surgically change their organs, but they often look the same as men or women who have identified with their biological organs since birth. For example, a person who was born with female genitalia, yet identifies as a male, may wear male's clothing, have facial hair, or go by a male name.

With the passing of HB2, transgendered people are not allowed to use the public restroom designated for the gender with which they identify.

Under the new law, only these categories are protected from discrimination: race, religion, color, national origin, age, handicap, or biological sex as defined on a person's birth certificate.

Holli's Reaction:

One thing that the law does not take into account is sexual orientation. Defining one's gender does not define one's sexual orientation. 

Here are a two examples:

1.  Born male > identifies as female > desires relationships with females

2.  Born male > identifies as female > desires relationships with males

A person's sexual orientation is not defined by his/her gender. 

It is interesting to me that some groups have protested holding signs that read, "PROTECT OUR WOMEN!" People who picket in full belief that women are in danger do not seem to understand the concept of being transgendered. A transgendered person is not the equivalent of a sex offender, a pedophile, or a sexual assailant. Transgendered people most likely want to use the bathroom (urinate or defecate) that has been specified for the gender in which they identify. 

I personally think that HB2 is dangerous and silly.
Outward appearance does not reflect morality. 

Some people who identify with their biological gender look "more manly" or "more effeminate." However, society has created a definition of what a women and men should stereotypically look like. Society makes a separation between men and women's clothing, hairstyles, scents, postures, and styles. No matter the outward appearance of a person, his/her moral compass could be just about anything. 

It is unfair to assume that a transgendered person has a sexually twisted moral compass.

It is unfair to assume that a transgendered person would want to hurt someone. 

It is unfair to assume that a transgendered person would be innately dangerous to be around. 

Whether one knows it or not, one has most likely been in a room or restroom with a transgendered person an had no idea of the fact. 

What if a woman who identifies with her biological female gender looks manly? Is it anyone's right to say that she cannot urinate in the women's restroom because she looks more like a man? The concept is ridiculous to me; it creates unnecessary paranoia. The danger is that people will always be looking over their shoulders in bathrooms, thus searching for someone who may look stereotypically different than society says they should. To single out a person based on his/her appearance is judgmental and condescending; it makes one less than another. No matter a person's outside looks, his/her inner self could fall on a wide spectrum of morality; none knows the inner workings of another based on physical appearance. 

In my opinion, HB2 creates paranoia and fear towards which is different and misunderstood. 

I encourage everyone to love others regardless of their appearance. Also, get to know someone who is different than you. Ask about their life, their morals, their beliefs, and try to understand where they are coming from. Live life with a spirit of understanding and compassion rather than judgment and fear of that which is different. 

Snuggle a Puggle

Have you ever heard of a Puggle? 

I happen to have one as a best friend. 

PUG + BEAGLE

 

= PUGGLE

I ordered Julius Caesar Holmes from an online breeder. 

He flew all the way from Ohio to Myrtle Beach International Airport. 

My furry friend goes by many names, but just to name a few:

• JuJu
• The Jooj
• Ju Bean
• Joojie Poojie
• Handsome
• Lovey
• Snuggly Puggly Wuggly 

 I got Julius when I first came home from my 2-year term in Laos. He made me feel loved and understood in a time in my life when I felt like a complete weirdo. Re-adjusting to life in America took a whole lot of work. I had to learn how to fit back into a puzzle that I had not been a piece of in a while. Needless to say, some of my pegs had lost their original shape and no longer fit into the open spaces allotted to them. I even cut off my long hair because I felt so different inside; I wanted my outward appearance to match how I felt inwardly. Julius helped me by being a constant, non-anxious presence in my life. 

I highly recommend Puggle snuggles to everyone, but other dogs will show you unconditional love as well. I will forever love JuJu for being so cute and soft, but I appreciate him all the more for being a supportive, furry friend who is fiercely loyal. 

God Provides

A Personal Testimony

I followed God's call to Campbell University last June.

I had my clothes and a bed with me, and I scored a job at Food Lion. 

I rented a house in town, but needed roommates in order to afford it. 

I didn't know anyone.

God provided.

I didn't have much to my name. 

People helped me. 

People gave me old couches, old dressers, an old TV, and a microwave. 

People gave me gifts. 

I had food stamps each month.

God provided. 

I switched from cashiering at Food Lion to delivering pizzas at Domino's.

I was overeducated, but I had a job. 

I met people on campus and networked. 

I made friends. 

Friends connected me to a better paying job on campus. 

Coworkers and friends became my roommates.

God provided. 

Am I content now? Yes.
But was I content during the waiting period? Yes.
Why? Because I may not have had what I wanted, but I have always had what I needed.
God provides. 

Obedience to God does not mean that we will always get what we want, but God will always provide us with what we need when we obediently follow. Looking back on the past year makes me thankful. I see God as being faithful rather than a God who would leave me in the dust. This is my testimony to God's faithfulness and provision. 

No, I'm not a healthy, wealthy billionaire who obeys in order to earn prosperity in life. However, I am a thankful human being who testifies to God's faithfulness. 

Trust… Trust the one who made you. 

New Beginnings in Merica

Well folks, it's been about 2 weeks since I've been back in America. I'm trying to figure out how exactly to do life here. What I now have on my hands is a whole lot of time. Time. I'm in some weird in-between stage at the moment. Part of what I've been trying to figure out is how to spend this time. So, I'm doing it the best way I know how.

What have I been up to? 

My brother's band concert. 

My brother's football game. 

Kindergarten field trips with my mom's class. 

Watching the Nightmare Before Christmas with my brothers. 

Visiting my best friend in the upstate of SC. 

Dancing the night away. 

Playing tennis with my dad and brothers. 

Visiting my grandparents in a pea sized town for a bit. 

Carving pumpkins.

I'm trying to make the most of this extra time. So far? It's been fun to get a taste of the things I've been missing out on. One day at a time, I feel like I will eventually get used to being here again. What's going to happen tomorrow or the next day is something I'm trying to let go of, give to God, and not worry about too much. It's just time to soak up the precious time that I have with people in my life. I'll find my place and figure things out eventually. For now, I'm just being for a while.

I miss my home away from home. Southeast Asia is on my heart and mind every day that I breathe. 

Here's to transitions and change. 

When Wal*Mart causes depression

I'm back in America. It's officially been one week. I've noticed a whole lot of things that I never used to notice before. I know that I am an American. But let's put it this way… Imagine for a second that all Americans are squares. And all the people where I was serving are circles. Then you have me. I was a square, but when I moved away, I started to lose (painfully lose) my corners and edges a little bit. Now? I'm some strange octagon. Not really a square, not really a circle. It feels pretty weird.

Holli is an…. 

So, Wal*Mart is a bit overwhelming. I go inside and cannot buy more than a handful of things.  Hearing super fast English all the time is overwhelming. What did you say? Come again? 

Everyone is moving so fast! Why are you guys so busy? Let's go plant rice and take a nap at our fruit stand. Church is really nice and formal. I can understand everything that everyone says (and sometimes I'd rather be in the dark for some conversations). There are no pot-holes in the roads. The dirt here is dark brown instead of reddish orange. American food is now bland to me. Yeah, I do feel like an alien. Things aren't better or worse here. Things are just different. I can take a shower for days. The water would still be hot. The water would still be ON! It's kinda nuts. 

I've enjoyed seeing friends and family so far. I still get a little blinded in my mind over how to answer: "How was it?" Oh! And I don't know how to respond to: "I bet you're glad to be back." It was a whole lot of things cuz it was 2 years. Was it good? Yes. Challenging? Yes. Did I grow? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes. Hard times? Yes. Difficult? Yes. An entire rainbow full of answers for that question. And yes, I am glad to see people. I'm not necessarily glad to be back. I miss the land that became my home. I miss the people who became my second family.Maybe I could take all the people I love in America back to Asia with me. That's a nice compromise. Who's in? 

To all my peeps here in the USA, sorry if I'm weird, socially awkward, or can't seem to find the right words to say at the moment. Bare with me. I'm sure things will get better with time. 

-Octagon Life

OMG! Why'd you cut your hair?

Guilty: I cut my hair really short. 

It's true. You might have seen pictures of it on Facebook already. I personally love it. Many people have asked me why I cut my beautiful locks off. As always, I have answers for you. No worries. 

Drum roll, please! I cut my hair before I came home because I feel so so different inside. Usually, people look at the outside only and assume it reflects the inside. Cutting to the point here, I didn't want to look the same as I did before I left because I didn't want people to assume that I was/am the same now. I want the outside to be a direct reflection of the inside: Changed, Different. I feel like a completely different person after living overseas. Maybe I have the same personality, but I have grown and changed so much over the past 2 years of my life. 

I was really nervous about cutting my hair this short. I think it's super cute, kinda sexy, and really fun to play with and spike up every day. For me, cutting it off was symbolic of what's going on inside of me. One huge chapter of my life has come to a close; the next one is new, mysterious, and uncharted territory that I've yet to see. Land that I've yet to walk on. New oceans that I've yet to taste. When I cut my hair off, I symbolically felt the old parts of me being cut away and falling onto the floor. When I took a shower to wash all the hair off of my body, I felt like those past parts of me were being washed away. And even when I cleaned gobs of my hair out of the shower drain, I felt as if I were throwing the old me into the trash can. 

I looked into the mirror afterwards and finally saw a reflection of myself that accurately portrayed how I felt inside. And since people look so much at the outside and make so many judgments from it, now they will be able to accurately assume that I have changed. They will know on the surface by looking at me that my hair is different. Maybe then they will begin to make the connection that the inside of me is what has really changed. 

By the way? I love my short hair a whole lot.