One To Go

I have less than a month left here in Southeast Asia. Time hasn't necessarily flown by, but here it is coming to a rapid ending nonetheless. I cannot help but reflect on the past 2 years of my life at this point in the game when it's so close to departure time.

Here's the bottom line: I've fallen in love with this country and the people in it.

All of my students, soccer girls, like-minded friends, market ladies, and people who used to be unfamiliar strangers. They have all become fierce friends and family to me here. My heart will be split into a million pieces in just a few weeks when I have to go back to America. If I'm honest with you all, I'll tell you something. I have no idea how to function in America anymore. Whenever I think about it, I just can't wrap my mind around it. It may seem completely retarded to you that I'm anything besides ecstatic about coming home, but to me? It's not surprising at all that coming home is laced with 1,000 different emotions and concerns.

Yes, I'm going to swim in a sea of Taco Bell quesadillas and drown myself in a waterfall of Code Red Mountain Dew. Yes, I'm also going to feel like an alien in my own culture and country. I could make a list more than a mile long of comparisons, pros, cons, fears, happy things… All I have left to do is trust and cling to the one who never leaves me.

So in this post, I'm going to try not to worry. I'm going to try to trust with reckless abandon instead. Someone holds my hands and heart. I may feel strange and alone, but I am not. I may not know the future whatsoever, but he does. I may feel completely unraveled and undone, but he will hold me together. If anything, being here has helped me to learn about trusting him with everything, even the smallest of things. Because he sees the depths of my soul, and he knows exactly what's coming next. Ask me about my plans, and I will tell you that I have a trillion ideas- no plans. I'm planning on waiting until I hear clearly what on this earth he wants me to do with the rest of my life (better yet what he wants me to do in this next stretch of the journey since he seems to like to reveal bits and pieces at a time.) People may not like that answer, but it's OK with me. When things are well with your soul, the rest seems to fall in line in its own timing. Thankfully, I have peace and hope to cling to.

Life has no pause button, no rewind, no fast forward. You cannot speed it up or slow it down. But by all means, you must live it. I have breath in my lungs for another day, so I know that I'm meant to live this life whatever may come. And, I am not, nor will I ever be alone. Today, my heart is holding on to that fact and trying to know it, believe it, and feel it deeply although I am afraid.

3, 2, 1….

Countdown

I'm up late tonight. Today is August 10th technically. That means that in exactly 2 months, I will be on my first plane ride home. For my friends and family back home, this is exciting for you and I. For my friends and those who have become family here, this is a bit of a heart-breaker as well. It's going to be… tough, scary, and a world of unknown.

Home

There are things that I miss and will love coming home to. I miss people more than anything. I have missed a lot of my brothers' ball games, concerts, and plays. I also missed watching them literally grow. They are now taller than me, faster, and probably stronger (but I will still put up a good fight.) I missed being there for sickness scares in my immediate family. I missed holding a hand while rounds of radiation were being completed and surgeries were done. I missed out old refrigerator finally biting the dust and being replaced by something awfully modern. So, one thing I will enjoy is being around- just existing on the same continent as most of the people who are close to my heart. 

Here

I am leaving Laos, which has been my home for going on 2 years. I will leave behind tons of relationships made with students. I will leave behind my soccer girls, who I've come to love so dearly. I will leave the language and culture that I've been busting my tail to learn and try to understand. I will leave a beautiful, mountainous, terraced rice field land. I will leave those who have taken me in on numerous holidays when I've felt like running away from the world. I will leave friends who I do not know if I will ever see again in this life. 

Fears and Feelings

I will be overwhelmed with joy when I hug my family for the first time in 2 years. I will tackle them all down in the airport and probably drown them in happy tears. I will love and hate Walmart and all its glorious food choices that will leave my jaw dropped. I will be scared of the unknown in this next phase of life. Where I will go to grad school, where to live, what kind of job to get, what career to pursue… I have a feeling that I will feel lost for a while right when I was starting to become familiar with life here in Laos. I am worried that I will choose wrongly. I am worried that I won't meet people's expectations, dreams, and goals for my life. I may let them down. 

But I am not alone… And I do have a purpose in this life. And God is with me. And he is faithful. He will not leave me, not ever. This is what I hold onto as a tidal wave tsunami of change lurks above my lead in suspense. When the wave crashes, somehow I know I will live to see it through. 

Thus marks the beginning of my 3, 2, 1, hold your breath count down. 

Getting Knocked Off My High Horse Of Entitlement

MY WATER CHALLENGE

Our water has been off and on, but mostly off, for a few months now. Before rainy season hit, everything was extremely dry and dusty. Our water came on for a few hours LATE every night. We'd stay up to fill up all of our buckets and pots with water to use for the next day. Right now, the water is still off and on. Luckily, it's strong enough to travel up the pipes into our house though. What has been such a change is getting used to heating up water on the stove before bathing. We heat up a couple of pots to knock the chill off of the water in out bucket. Then, we take a dip bath with a ladle. This entire process bugged the mess out of me at first, but it has become just another part of life here now.

A new experience during dry season: I was feeling extremely dirty seeing as how my showers have been… well… few and far between. So, I had to dip water out of a big bucket outside in the moonlight with the frogs living inside and bugs flying around in order to bathe myself and attempt to wash my hair. This is the first time in my entire life that I have ever bathed outside under the stars -- not because I was camping and chose to do so-- but because I HAD to in order to stay clean.

In this country, I have traveled around and seen many people in villages bathing at the local water spigot beside the road. I have thought of them before and wondered about their lives, but last night I got a little taste of a different world, a different life. To many of my friends, bathing like this is normal. They don't have water heaters and showers inside for the most part. Bathing outside and taking dip baths have been truly humbling experiences for me.

"LET THEM EAT CAKE"

I went to a birthday party for one of my soccer girls the other day. We met in her wooden house lined with old calendars and posters (insulation). I always feel a bit awkward at parties, but I go anyways just to be there for the person who's having a birthday. On a small, round, traditional wicker table, there were some snacks and a cake that was 6 inches in diameter. A few trinkets sat around the cake, and those were her birthday presents. There were about 25 people at her house, and I wondered to myself… "How on earth are all these people going to split that tiny cake??" 

Time passed by, and it was time to cut into the tiny cake into most treasured pieces. I was asked to do the cutting. I asked my friend, "How many pieces should I cut? There are a lot of people here." She simply replied, "Six." I was wary of her answer because I was thinking… "OK, 6 people will get cake, and everyone else will go home cake-less." I cut the pieces anyways and waited to see what would happen next. What I saw amazed me and totally took me off guard. 

Each person who was handed a cake plate shared it with a group of about 5 people. It wasn't even a question to them. It was an expected thing! They all knew what was about to happen… They all knew that they would pinch off pieces of cake and treasure each small morsel along with the people in their community and family. 

SPOILED

I am sitting at my house right now with a strange feeling inside. Part of me wants to cry. Part of me feels rich and stingy. Part of me wants to open the doors of my house and let anyone who wants to come inside enter and share all that I have with them. I want to open my cabinets and spread the love to the world. I feel spoiled. I feel like I unknowingly flaunt my well-offness to others here. Now, I am aware of how well-off I am and always have been. Being in a house where my friends have close to nothing, yet seeing them still share everything eats at my core. It gnaws on my every thought and emotion and really bothers me inside. WHY? 

Because I am spoiled. I always have been. I have always had hot water in my house, clean water to drink, electricity, clothes, and food in overabundance. That is a security that is being challenged by life here. Here, I go without for one day, and I feel like I have been wronged in some way. I naturally expect to have certain things in my world. Throughout my time here, I am also getting knocked off my high horse of spoiled entitlement, and that is a good thing. One of the results of living here is that I feel more thankful and blessed. I also feel like sharing more of the things that I have been blessed with, not only when I have an obvious excess, but when I have barely nothing as well. "God, help me to give… Help me not to hoard gifts from you or others… Please keep my spoiled, entitled heart in check." 

Certainly Uncertain

Of one thing I am certain: Uncertainty 

Being here in Southeast Asia where life is slow and laid-back, where my normal background noise has come to be goats and chickens outside of my window, I have had a lot of time to think. I write more and take the time to ponder a lot of things that I had never had the time to think about before coming here. During my thinking time, something has majorly surprised me. Within the folds of my logic, facts, and reasoning, I have discovered a lot of layers, links, emotions, triggers, and feelings that other people may never understand. And even though others may never fully "get" me, these things are still a big, true part of me. They may not define who I am wholly, but they certainly help make up who Holli is. 

I came to Asia to share and serve others. I knew what my purpose was, and I still know what my purpose remains to be. I knew that my time here would change me and effect the way that I see forever. However, I didn't expect that the impact would be so deep and life-altering. 

My time here is not over yet. I still have 3 months and some change of my term, but if you asked me what words I would use to describe the experience so far, I'd say: 

Healing, Feeling, Growth, Metamorphosis, Peace, Self-Exploration, Discovery, and Ownership

It's easy to trek through life and walk around as if you have everything figured out. It's easy to have boxes that you can put everything and everyone inside of. Having a two-sided coin and slapping people, situations, thoughts, or emotions on either side of the coin is so simple. What's really tough is delving into these 4 things for the multi-faceted, layered, complex, unique things that they are. It's also easier to jump head first into the deep of someone else's person. Tackling self is a whole lot harder. I feel like a recurring theme for my time here has been self-tackling; coming to terms with me. If you know me, you know that I do believe in God. I like to say that, "God always has something up his sleeve, and God has big sleeves." Part of the reason that God led me here to this place has become clear to me: I am here to grow. 

I should be certainly uncertain about where I am and about where I think others are in life, because where we are is ever-changing, ever-growing, ever-molding. In other words, I'd rather peruse life as a learner, thinker, and listener than one who blindly speaks, boxes, and knows things. To always be the student rather than the professor. After all, I as a person do not possess the credentials or rights to be the professor of my life and everyone else's. 

Summary? I don't have it all figured out. 

Additional conclusion? And that is OK :)  

Now, for some less serious stuff! 

Me in the local style dress. We did a photo shoot, make-up, hair, and this is totally out of my character. 

BUT! It was fun, and I wanted everyone to see the local digs. 

My roommate and I. Our house is always an adventure with 4 different languages being spoken in order to communicate! Learning to give and receive patience. 

My soccer girls and I watching some soccer ed. videos. 

Highlights of last year's women's world cup. 

Me getting a haircut in the capital. Everyone say hello to Apple, the chick with the awesome haircut chopping my locks off. I seriously need to broaden my hair horizons. She's rockin that pink! 

And, counting my blessings here to have good friends all over the world. 

Thank you God for reminding me that I am not alone. 

~Tok Jai

Can I have a crystal ball please? Sometimes, that sounds appealing. At other times, I just want to be shocked, amazed, and surprised by life. 

Example: One of the things I was NOT expecting was this soccer team. It came out of the blue as a surprise. But, the father knew that these girls were going to be a part of my world. Doesn't God have cool things up his sleeve?  

Example 2: Check this place out, dude! It was in the middle of fricken nowhere. We may have gotten turned around a few times before we got there. Yet, super relaxing and so so beautiful! 

No thanks, I don't want to know the future. Keep on giving me surprises one day at a time. Whether they are beautiful, hard, amazing, jaw-dropping, devastating, lovely, peaceful, sorrowful, tear-jerkers, challenging, or just plain crazy…. I don't want to know what's coming next. I'll just take it as it comes. Whatever life throws my way, it is well with my soul. Even so, it is well. 

Doors

Hello world,

I recently had a pretty humbling run-in with doors in my life; one that made me reflect upon my life up until this point. Here's what happened:

A soccer company offered three spots to my girl's soccer team to go to receive soccer training and go to Brazil for the World Cup finals. I was so pumped for my girls! They've been working hard for the past year+ and really deserve the chance. Three got selected, and I was told they would need a female chaperone. Who better than their coach? A series of events followed that are pretty contradictory to each other.

First, they told me I needed to go. Then, they said I couldn't. A week later, they said I could go again. So, I sent them my passport info and started to get my hopes up. I asked what the dates were for the Brazil trip so that I could be prepared to go. Alas, the dates were the same exact days as my mandatory meeting. I then had to ask my boss if I could skip the meeting and go. He said yes!!! However, the next day was depressing because I didn't get chosen. Someone else did.

DOORS!!!!! 

"What the heck?" - the only thing that popped into my mind after that dream-crusher 

This unfortunate experience that kept pulling my emotions left and right made me think about doors, life, chances, and opportunities. How do they all relate? Do they even make sense? Half of the time, I don't understand doors. And, where does God fit into all of this? 

My conclusion: Life is full of doors. We walk down one big hall and are faced with door after door varying in shape, size, and color until we reach the end of the hall at some unknown time and fall asleep. Oh, the choices! Oh, the options! It's really quite exciting. We see doors, but do we open them? Sometimes, we see them and walk right by unfazed. Other times we rush in without thinking twice as to what my really be lying behind the slab of wood. Simply walking through the hall and never opening any door would be a shame. I'd imagine that your life would be filled with a swirling cloud of what-ifs. At the end, you'd wish you could start over and take some chances. 

In the past, I used to walk down the hall and see doors but be too afraid to open them. Now? I at least want to give them a shot. With discernment, mind you, but also with excitement and a spirit of adventure. What if I had not even tried to go with my girls? I would've kicked myself in the butt for a while, that's for sure. Obviously, it was not a part of the plan- of God's plan for my life. And, you know what? I'm OK with that. Maybe it was one of those moments where it was MY plan that I was trying to bring about, NOT his. I can sit here and rest inside of my mind knowing that my God is in control of my every step. That is a good feeling. Whatever may come my way, even so, it is well with my soul.

Life in the Fast Lane

I just realized that today is the last day of February. Sometime in October of this year, I'll be getting on a plane and heading back to America to start yet another chapter in my life. This leaves me with about 7 months left in Southeast Asia.

I'm bombarded with a slew of mixed thoughts and emotions. Parts of me are thinking of what on earth I'm going to do next. What grad school am I going to go to? Where am I going to live? Should I move somewhere? Where? When? And then… Oh my gosh! I only have 7 more months here. How can I make the most of them? Should I be doing more? Should I change what I'm doing now so that I can do more?? I don't want to say goodbye to things or people here just yet, and I don't know that I will ever fully be ready to say goodbye… or if it will ever truly be goodbye in my heart of hearts.

This place is slowly becoming home. I've the overwhelming sense that this is where I am supposed to be ever since I exited the plane last year. Now? Things are so familiar. The differences are more of just a familiar weirdness now, a weirdness that I kind of like and have become accustomed to at this point.

My life is in the fast lane. Yet, all of our lives are in the fast lane because time does not slow down for anything or anyone. You blink, and 2 years have disappeared. Cheers to speeding through this thing called life with your cruise control on.

God tells me something: that I should not live in the future, but I should live in the now. I have a bad habit of over-dreaming instead of just living. My head lives in the future. God tells me to just soak up what I've got right now. I have an feeling that he wants me to be poured out here because this is where he wants me right now. He has led me here, and he has a plan for my time here that's not quite finished yet no matter how close the day of departure comes.

So, this is my mind dump for the day. If you've been wondering what I'm thinking about, then this crests the surface of my brain.