Certainly Uncertain

Of one thing I am certain: Uncertainty 

Being here in Southeast Asia where life is slow and laid-back, where my normal background noise has come to be goats and chickens outside of my window, I have had a lot of time to think. I write more and take the time to ponder a lot of things that I had never had the time to think about before coming here. During my thinking time, something has majorly surprised me. Within the folds of my logic, facts, and reasoning, I have discovered a lot of layers, links, emotions, triggers, and feelings that other people may never understand. And even though others may never fully "get" me, these things are still a big, true part of me. They may not define who I am wholly, but they certainly help make up who Holli is. 

I came to Asia to share and serve others. I knew what my purpose was, and I still know what my purpose remains to be. I knew that my time here would change me and effect the way that I see forever. However, I didn't expect that the impact would be so deep and life-altering. 

My time here is not over yet. I still have 3 months and some change of my term, but if you asked me what words I would use to describe the experience so far, I'd say: 

Healing, Feeling, Growth, Metamorphosis, Peace, Self-Exploration, Discovery, and Ownership

It's easy to trek through life and walk around as if you have everything figured out. It's easy to have boxes that you can put everything and everyone inside of. Having a two-sided coin and slapping people, situations, thoughts, or emotions on either side of the coin is so simple. What's really tough is delving into these 4 things for the multi-faceted, layered, complex, unique things that they are. It's also easier to jump head first into the deep of someone else's person. Tackling self is a whole lot harder. I feel like a recurring theme for my time here has been self-tackling; coming to terms with me. If you know me, you know that I do believe in God. I like to say that, "God always has something up his sleeve, and God has big sleeves." Part of the reason that God led me here to this place has become clear to me: I am here to grow. 

I should be certainly uncertain about where I am and about where I think others are in life, because where we are is ever-changing, ever-growing, ever-molding. In other words, I'd rather peruse life as a learner, thinker, and listener than one who blindly speaks, boxes, and knows things. To always be the student rather than the professor. After all, I as a person do not possess the credentials or rights to be the professor of my life and everyone else's. 

Summary? I don't have it all figured out. 

Additional conclusion? And that is OK :)  

Now, for some less serious stuff! 

Me in the local style dress. We did a photo shoot, make-up, hair, and this is totally out of my character. 

BUT! It was fun, and I wanted everyone to see the local digs. 

My roommate and I. Our house is always an adventure with 4 different languages being spoken in order to communicate! Learning to give and receive patience. 

My soccer girls and I watching some soccer ed. videos. 

Highlights of last year's women's world cup. 

Me getting a haircut in the capital. Everyone say hello to Apple, the chick with the awesome haircut chopping my locks off. I seriously need to broaden my hair horizons. She's rockin that pink! 

And, counting my blessings here to have good friends all over the world. 

Thank you God for reminding me that I am not alone. 

~Tok Jai

Can I have a crystal ball please? Sometimes, that sounds appealing. At other times, I just want to be shocked, amazed, and surprised by life. 

Example: One of the things I was NOT expecting was this soccer team. It came out of the blue as a surprise. But, the father knew that these girls were going to be a part of my world. Doesn't God have cool things up his sleeve?  

Example 2: Check this place out, dude! It was in the middle of fricken nowhere. We may have gotten turned around a few times before we got there. Yet, super relaxing and so so beautiful! 

No thanks, I don't want to know the future. Keep on giving me surprises one day at a time. Whether they are beautiful, hard, amazing, jaw-dropping, devastating, lovely, peaceful, sorrowful, tear-jerkers, challenging, or just plain crazy…. I don't want to know what's coming next. I'll just take it as it comes. Whatever life throws my way, it is well with my soul. Even so, it is well. 

Doors

Hello world,

I recently had a pretty humbling run-in with doors in my life; one that made me reflect upon my life up until this point. Here's what happened:

A soccer company offered three spots to my girl's soccer team to go to receive soccer training and go to Brazil for the World Cup finals. I was so pumped for my girls! They've been working hard for the past year+ and really deserve the chance. Three got selected, and I was told they would need a female chaperone. Who better than their coach? A series of events followed that are pretty contradictory to each other.

First, they told me I needed to go. Then, they said I couldn't. A week later, they said I could go again. So, I sent them my passport info and started to get my hopes up. I asked what the dates were for the Brazil trip so that I could be prepared to go. Alas, the dates were the same exact days as my mandatory meeting. I then had to ask my boss if I could skip the meeting and go. He said yes!!! However, the next day was depressing because I didn't get chosen. Someone else did.

DOORS!!!!! 

"What the heck?" - the only thing that popped into my mind after that dream-crusher 

This unfortunate experience that kept pulling my emotions left and right made me think about doors, life, chances, and opportunities. How do they all relate? Do they even make sense? Half of the time, I don't understand doors. And, where does God fit into all of this? 

My conclusion: Life is full of doors. We walk down one big hall and are faced with door after door varying in shape, size, and color until we reach the end of the hall at some unknown time and fall asleep. Oh, the choices! Oh, the options! It's really quite exciting. We see doors, but do we open them? Sometimes, we see them and walk right by unfazed. Other times we rush in without thinking twice as to what my really be lying behind the slab of wood. Simply walking through the hall and never opening any door would be a shame. I'd imagine that your life would be filled with a swirling cloud of what-ifs. At the end, you'd wish you could start over and take some chances. 

In the past, I used to walk down the hall and see doors but be too afraid to open them. Now? I at least want to give them a shot. With discernment, mind you, but also with excitement and a spirit of adventure. What if I had not even tried to go with my girls? I would've kicked myself in the butt for a while, that's for sure. Obviously, it was not a part of the plan- of God's plan for my life. And, you know what? I'm OK with that. Maybe it was one of those moments where it was MY plan that I was trying to bring about, NOT his. I can sit here and rest inside of my mind knowing that my God is in control of my every step. That is a good feeling. Whatever may come my way, even so, it is well with my soul.

Life in the Fast Lane

I just realized that today is the last day of February. Sometime in October of this year, I'll be getting on a plane and heading back to America to start yet another chapter in my life. This leaves me with about 7 months left in Southeast Asia.

I'm bombarded with a slew of mixed thoughts and emotions. Parts of me are thinking of what on earth I'm going to do next. What grad school am I going to go to? Where am I going to live? Should I move somewhere? Where? When? And then… Oh my gosh! I only have 7 more months here. How can I make the most of them? Should I be doing more? Should I change what I'm doing now so that I can do more?? I don't want to say goodbye to things or people here just yet, and I don't know that I will ever fully be ready to say goodbye… or if it will ever truly be goodbye in my heart of hearts.

This place is slowly becoming home. I've the overwhelming sense that this is where I am supposed to be ever since I exited the plane last year. Now? Things are so familiar. The differences are more of just a familiar weirdness now, a weirdness that I kind of like and have become accustomed to at this point.

My life is in the fast lane. Yet, all of our lives are in the fast lane because time does not slow down for anything or anyone. You blink, and 2 years have disappeared. Cheers to speeding through this thing called life with your cruise control on.

God tells me something: that I should not live in the future, but I should live in the now. I have a bad habit of over-dreaming instead of just living. My head lives in the future. God tells me to just soak up what I've got right now. I have an feeling that he wants me to be poured out here because this is where he wants me right now. He has led me here, and he has a plan for my time here that's not quite finished yet no matter how close the day of departure comes.

So, this is my mind dump for the day. If you've been wondering what I'm thinking about, then this crests the surface of my brain.

Will Power! Kinda different from Will-I-Am

WILLS

I've been thinking a whole lot about wills lately. There are a lot of wills out there, ya know?

• God's will
• My will
• My parent's wills
• My family's will
• The will of people back home
• The will of my church
• Everyone has an agenda of some sort. Let's be real.     

That means that there are 6.5 billion different wills out there. WHEW! That's a lot of people who want a lot of different things. It's also a whole lot of different opinions. Can we say.... room for conflict?? You betcha.

I'm going to put out a disclaimer again: I'm only 23, and I'm learning a lot right now. Bear with me, please, and don't let my humble opinions be taken as ultimate truths (I don't know everything).

I read an article the other day on the topic of drinking alcohol. It offered an opinion that was pretty interesting to me, simply because I've never heard it put that way before. The article approached the subject based from a "Can I?" versus "Should I?" standpoint. Basically, the issue is not a matter of "Do I have a right to do this?" Instead, the issue is "Should I do this?" For example: Does this benefit me and people around me? Does this bring me and others closer to God? It was just interesting. I was less captivated on the opinion of the writer and more captivated by his style of argument.

Most of the time, I hear one crowd trying to condemn something vehemently and another crowd trying to gain the right to do something without being condemned. Each side spurns the other. People can use the same source to back up completely opposite viewpoints. Agendas? Wills? Ringing a bell???

I guess it all depends on your motivation, really.
Are you trying to create black and white?
Are you trying to get people to pick sides?
Are you trying to impose guilt on people?
Are you trying to stick to something you believe?

I can't help but think about wills in all of this. By the way, this post is just me thinking out loud so to speak. I'm just thinking. At the end of the day, there are going to be 6.5 billion different opinions. But.... What's God's will? I think God wants to draw people toward him. I think he wants to bridge the gap between the sin that separates us from him. I think he wants everyone to rely on him for hope and grace. I think he loves everyone, but everyone doesn't love him back. I think that he wants peace and unity with humanity.God's will sounds a lot like LOVE.

All I have to say is that I want to love people.

I used to get all puffed up when someone challenged my world view. I'd fight tooth and nail, argue, and come off as quite the prick half of the time. But now, I live in Southeast Asia. Friends, Asia life is molding me. I don't live in a bubble anymore where there are loads of people who have the same beliefs as I do. There is no teaming up with only people who have the same beliefs anymore. Now, my friend group is wider than life. I have all kinds of friends. They believe all kinds of things. We may talk about those things sometimes if they come up in conversation, but I no longer feel like I'm pushing an agenda of viewpoints on anyone. I now feel like I'm a little bit closer to pushing an agenda of loving on purpose. The response is about 1,000 times better when I tell them why I'm loving them. I love them because God loves them. The end. Simply beautiful. If God's will is to love, then I want my will to be the same thing.

Can I do anything I want to do? Sure, I can. Nobody's got strings attached to my legs and arms like a puppet. I'm free to choose action from action.

Should I do certain things? Maybe so, maybe not. It's worth a thought or two.

Food for thought:

Maybe it all depends on your will/agenda in the end.

I guess the question is: What IS your will? 

And: Should your will be changed?

It's 2014 already?

HMONG NEW YEAR

 

Because of my location, I get the privilege of celebrating the New Year about 5 times per year. Last year, I missed Hmong New Year. But, this year, I got to see it! And let me tell you, I had no idea we had so many Hmong people living in this town.

Everyone gets dressed in their traditional Hmong suits. Hats, stilettos and socks, coins jingling like crazy hanging from brightly colored skirts and blouses. So very exciting!

They have a huge get together that centers around bull fighting and ball throwing. Ball throwing? Yes, ball throwing. It's the only time I've seen tennis balls for sale in this town, and it's actually not a bad idea. Girls and guys get in two extremely long lines that face each other. If a guy is interested in you, he can come up and ask to throw the ball with you. So, you throw balls to each other. It's kinda like a dating service I guess, but hey, people have to get together somehow right?? After all, you have to create enough workers to help run your farm.

Some of the guys start singing to the girls they're trying to woo. If the girl likes him back, she sings back to him. Fascinating to watch, really. They sing an original heart song of their own. They create the tune and the lyrics on the spot. It's like the penguins in Happy Feet. If you've ever seen Happy Feet, you'll know what I'm talking about. If not, go watch it!

The bull fights are exciting, but dangerous. People make a large circle around the bulls. There are no fences or anything. The first bull to run away loses the fight. Trust me, when those bulls go running, you DO NOT want to be standing in the way. The ring of people standing around the bulls scatters frantically when that happens. Needless to say, this is the busiest day of the year for our rinky dink hospital.

Thoroughly enjoyable day for me!

MY ACTUAL NEW YEAR

Adventures...

 

So, I went to a more touristy town for my actual January first New Year. I just wanted to blend into a sea of white faces and not stand out so much. Mission accomplished. I haven't seen that many white people in one place in over a year!

My friend and I decided we wanted to go on some adventures. I wanted to ride an elephant because that's something you have to do at least once in your lifetime. Tagged onto an kayaking trip, and you've got yourself a good day. Or so you think... Ha! You have to remember that I don't live in America. Things like standards, rules, and safety seem to be missing here.

We met our tour guide and the Swiss couple who also signed up for the trip early in the morning. The first thing that our guide tells us is that it's his first day on the job. NICE. We saw a waterfall and rode elephants first, which was awesome!!!!

 Me on the elephant's head!!!!! SCARY!!!! But awesome.

 This cutie stole my heart <3

Then, we hopped into our kayaks. After about 20 minutes, I noticed that our kayak was retaining water. It was getting pretty difficult to paddle, too. So, we pulled over on the river bank. Our tour guide from Tiger Trail says, "OH, Tiger Trail!!!!" He shakes his head and lifts up our kayak, which pees out God only knows how many gallons of water for about 5 minutes. My friend and I looked at each other just wondering how long this trip was going to be and what else was going to go wrong throughout the course of the day. Tour man informs us that the rest of of trip will be another 3.5 hour down the river to the stopping point. OH BOY!!!!!

We stopped every 30 minutes so our kayak could relieve itself...

About 2 hours into this trip, our guide puts his helmet on. We all notice immediately and ask him why on earth he just did that. Hey said one word: Rapids. What in the ham sandwich? Rapids? We're all inexperienced kayakers here,  so we ask him what level they are. "Oh, Class 2 or 3, I think." GREAT, Tiger Trail. Great. A few moments later, our guide's head disappears down what seems to be a 10 foot drop in the river... He pops out unharmed a ways down. Oh, crap my pants... What on earth did we sign up for? The Swiss go first, and bite it. Jaws gaped open, my friend and I have no choice but to go for it. And.... we went down hard. Haha!!!!! The Swiss man lost a shoe, but we all suffered a blow to our pride.

Best idea of the day: Putting a piece of chewed gum in the dime sized hole in our kayak.
Thanks, Swiss guy.
Thanks, Tiger Trail...

Merry Christmas from the Jewel of the MeKong

I realize it's been a while since I last posted. Things have been very busy here lately. Traveling, school, and life in general.

We celebrated Thanksgiving last month and somehow managed to get our hands on a pretty amazing turkey breast from Thailand. Mmm Mmmm Good! I spent the holiday with friends who also live here. They function as my temporary family while I'm here. But, I was very thankful to have them here with me during a time that would normally be spent traveling to see my grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles around NC and SC.

Now, though, it's almost Christmas!!! Wow, how the time has flown by. 10 days and counting until we celebrate Emmanuel's birth. It's a very exciting time around my town. Our school is decorated, we're eating lots of treats and sweets, and the best part of all is that we can discuss the good news more freely at this time. In my class specifically, I'll have a Christmas party on the 18th. We're learning how to cut out snowflakes, pinning the nose on Rudolph, snacking, and doing a coloring page about Emmanuel. While my class is coloring, I will tell the story of him. After explaining how he is the gift to the world, I will then give them a small gift. I'm hoping that as others as well as myself are sharing during this time, doors will be opened in hearts, eyes, and ears.

Also, the locals have a chance to share during this time of the season. Many in the community are invited to come to a special service here coming up soon! This is VERY VERY exciting. Some will here about the news for the first time. They will also get to experience a service in their language, a praise dance in their style, sing in their language, and get to read the word in their language. How great is this opportunity! It is also the only time of the year that us white folks can attend with our families. It's truly a great opportunity for local sharing.

I'm very excited about all of these events to come!! Please lift every opportunity we have to share up to him. Every gift, song, story, conversation, dance, and word.

My one last tag on this note is for LMCO. People back home, you know what this is, right?? It's how about 500+ people are able to live and share around the world, including myself. If you feel led this season, I encourage you to support us and out cause by giving a gift to LMCO this year.

It's been hard to upload pictures, but I promise I will try to do that super soon. I've been taking a lot, so I will REALLY try to do that! Thank you for your kind thoughts and words to the big man upstairs. Love, grace, and peace.