Inner Secrets Exposed

School's out! The summer is here! That means I don't have to teach ESL during June and July. I'm really enjoying having a break, but I'm most excited about going to some neighboring countries and visiting friends/going to the beach!!!!! Words cannot express the excitement that I feel about tasting the shore. I'm a beach kid at heart. I'd waste the day away walking up and down the Carolina coast back home this time of year. Boy, do I miss it.

I'm enjoying my break, yes. However, breaks have always been a bittersweet thing for me. I used to love breaks from college. No classes, no papers, no exams... but breaks mean different things to different people. G-d has been teaching me a lot of things lately. I know that I've mentioned this before, but it continues to blow my mind. All my life, I've lived for the fun times. I do crazy stuff with my friends. Such as getting into the ice cooler at Wal*Mart, cutting over half my hair off the night before senior prom, and etc. In America, I'm on the go all the time. Literally, all the time. I leave one friends house and go to the next. I go dancing, stay out half the night, and buy season passes to Carowinds just to ride roller coasters once a week. Crazy. Insane. And GO! is my theme.

Can I tell you a secret?? 

There's a reason why I adopted such a fast-paced life. It distracted me from dealing with problems. All kinds of problems. Problems from my past, problems with myself, and some truly ugly things that I held inside of me. One moment alone, and my head had time enough to think about my junk. IF I stayed on the go, the junk got put on the top shelf for a while more. This is one of my coping strategies that quite honestly sucks. If I always ignore my crap, then it never gets solved. Pretending it's not there makes living easier, but I don't advance in any area of my life. I stay in a defeated state and keep covering up my junk pile.

And G-d sends me here. With my fun-seeking spirit, it would've made much more sense to send me to some college campus in a big city where I could go all out and bond with people. Yet, I'm here. There's no McDonald's in the whole country. It's developing. Chickens and cows and goats roam the streets. People live in wooden shacks in some places. There are rice fields and mango trees, and the restaurants look like mechanic garages for the most part. It's an 8 hour winding drive through the mountains to get to the capitol city. And yet? I'm here. I was sent here to work and to live. What on earth?

Another Secret:

I'm facing myself. I have no choice but to do just that. Facing my fears, the reasons behind them. Facing my past, and my hurts. My deepest wounds and most grotesque scars. I'm finally getting to the core of my very soul and re-routing some wires. My heart issues. I guess this is why I'm so fascinated with HIS plan to send me HERE of all places on the earth. Why here? Why now? Why in this part of my life? His ways are higher, and I trust He knows what He's doing. He's sent me to a dark and quiet place to tackle both the darkness in this place... and in MYSELF. Wow. What a humbling thing to come to realize. 

What did/does/will it take for you to let go? 

For me, it took a leap of faith. Jumping off of a cliff into the abyss hoping that G-d would save me.