Masks Created by FEAR

What if we advertised all of our darkness and struggles on a billboard? I think there'd be less of a problem in the world when it comes to facades, transparency, and honesty. So many of the youth from camp, some of which I still keep in touch with, they feel so alone in the world. They feel like nobody else is struggling. Nobody could ever understand what they're going through. Everyone else has it better than them. It amazes me for a moment, that they could be so self-focused. And, then I think... Wait a second, no wonder they feel this way. When you go to church on Sunday and Wednesday, everyone seems to be doing great. Everyone's dressed in their finest and smiling. And this is the image that young people and adults have of how they're supposed to feel inside. The reality is that most people do not expose themselves at church, much less in public. They keep up an image that makes people think they are OK. Wow, what an example to follow. This creates a pattern for kids to mimic exactly what they saw their parents or older adults do. And it also creates a pattern for destruction.

I think this mindset is a lie we all have fallen for at some point in time. If I expose what's really going on, then what will people think of me? They'll think I'm a failure. They'll think less of me and my family. They'll ignore me. They won't talk to me anymore. In fact, I could lose my job, m friends, my social status. Let me tell you something, the friends you'll lose are probably prideful and superficial. The social status means nothing, because nobody in society is your final judge. You wind up stuck in bad situations and wonder why your lot in life is so crappy. Nobody ever knows what's going on, so nobody tries to help you. And FEAR cripples you. That FEAR holds you back. You don't heal, and you don't progress.

I grew up with this fear. Fear of people I fellowshipped with. What they would think, how I needed to look and act in front of them, and how I needed to protect my crap from ever being exposed. What a big fat mistake!!! I was one of those kids at camp as a teen (16) who finally opened up at camp when I was away from society for a little bit. That's when I first surrendered my life to G-d. Even then, I didn't tell people about that because I had already been b-tized in public at age 9. So, I guess the world that reads my Blog knows now! What if we actually had a society and setting where we could bare burdens with each other openly? Not only inside of a building, facility, or organization... But in our daily lives walking around in this world. That, my friends, would be revolutionary in America I think.

If you're scared that your friends will think you're a sinner... then I hope you see the irony in that statement alone. Knowing that we have all fallen short and have shortcomings, it's foolish for anyone to ever have thought that this person or that person had it all together. Ever. Because nobody will ever have it all together in this life but J3sus himself.

How do we fix it? We say and sing come just as you are, but do we mean it? How can we lift each other up if we don't even know what needs lifting up? How can we help to hold each other accountable for things unless we open up? And lastly, why on earth would people open up in the first place if they KNEW that when they opened up, they'd get judged, shunned, and socially ostracized? Heck, J3sus got judged, shunned, socially ostracized, beaten and murdered for following truth and going against the flow. Bring it on! If people decide to kill me for it, at least I will go down as a woman who was fighting for integrity. 

I cannot change the world or people individually, but I can make a change in myself and how I view and act towards the world and people in it. 

I say forget the politics. Ditch them for something worthwhile in this life and the next. And by all means, show people the grace that G-d has so freely lavished upon you. Building each other up! Uniting as one body! And changing the world by first letting your FEAR be washed away by the same blood that washed away your sins.

Sorry for all the serious posts. These things have just been on my mind lately. Rants if you wish. 

Inner Secrets Exposed

School's out! The summer is here! That means I don't have to teach ESL during June and July. I'm really enjoying having a break, but I'm most excited about going to some neighboring countries and visiting friends/going to the beach!!!!! Words cannot express the excitement that I feel about tasting the shore. I'm a beach kid at heart. I'd waste the day away walking up and down the Carolina coast back home this time of year. Boy, do I miss it.

I'm enjoying my break, yes. However, breaks have always been a bittersweet thing for me. I used to love breaks from college. No classes, no papers, no exams... but breaks mean different things to different people. G-d has been teaching me a lot of things lately. I know that I've mentioned this before, but it continues to blow my mind. All my life, I've lived for the fun times. I do crazy stuff with my friends. Such as getting into the ice cooler at Wal*Mart, cutting over half my hair off the night before senior prom, and etc. In America, I'm on the go all the time. Literally, all the time. I leave one friends house and go to the next. I go dancing, stay out half the night, and buy season passes to Carowinds just to ride roller coasters once a week. Crazy. Insane. And GO! is my theme.

Can I tell you a secret?? 

There's a reason why I adopted such a fast-paced life. It distracted me from dealing with problems. All kinds of problems. Problems from my past, problems with myself, and some truly ugly things that I held inside of me. One moment alone, and my head had time enough to think about my junk. IF I stayed on the go, the junk got put on the top shelf for a while more. This is one of my coping strategies that quite honestly sucks. If I always ignore my crap, then it never gets solved. Pretending it's not there makes living easier, but I don't advance in any area of my life. I stay in a defeated state and keep covering up my junk pile.

And G-d sends me here. With my fun-seeking spirit, it would've made much more sense to send me to some college campus in a big city where I could go all out and bond with people. Yet, I'm here. There's no McDonald's in the whole country. It's developing. Chickens and cows and goats roam the streets. People live in wooden shacks in some places. There are rice fields and mango trees, and the restaurants look like mechanic garages for the most part. It's an 8 hour winding drive through the mountains to get to the capitol city. And yet? I'm here. I was sent here to work and to live. What on earth?

Another Secret:

I'm facing myself. I have no choice but to do just that. Facing my fears, the reasons behind them. Facing my past, and my hurts. My deepest wounds and most grotesque scars. I'm finally getting to the core of my very soul and re-routing some wires. My heart issues. I guess this is why I'm so fascinated with HIS plan to send me HERE of all places on the earth. Why here? Why now? Why in this part of my life? His ways are higher, and I trust He knows what He's doing. He's sent me to a dark and quiet place to tackle both the darkness in this place... and in MYSELF. Wow. What a humbling thing to come to realize. 

What did/does/will it take for you to let go? 

For me, it took a leap of faith. Jumping off of a cliff into the abyss hoping that G-d would save me. 

Impressions

Waking up on the other side of the world

      Before I left the states, I had a whole lot of conversations with a whole lot of people. Some were people who had known me since I was an infant. Some were complete strangers, beloved friends, and family. And the topics ranged from "Are you excited?" to "Oh... Why are you doing that?" One day, I'll probably write a book about the value scale of reactions and responses to me moving halfway around the world. 

But, I was thinking about these responses today. I thought about how some of them were very moving, encouraging, and just a blessing. Others were cynical, a little discouraging, and bland. Words. All of them were words in the end. And words amount to nothing except sounds that we put meaning behind. So, why do they effect us so much? Words can put doubt into your mind. They have the potential to make you completely change your mind about something. 

One of the cynical responses to me leaving was from a past teacher of mine. She was trying to express to me that this job I was taking was not using my college degree or getting me a cushy job or moving me towards a career ladder. I am aware of this. It kind of crossed my mind at some point before I signed 2 years away to the work. Her words were not meant to discourage me, but they did make me second-guess this whole gig as well as make me feel like I'd let someone down with my decision to leave. The purpose of it. The point of it. The worth in doing it. In the end, look where I'm at now. But goodness her words had an effect. 

While thinking about this today, I thought about priorities. My priorities are different than hers. I value following my G-d and my heart regardless of social status or salary. She values otherwise. 

Just like I have WIFI at the moment, yet have no running water!!!! The priorities are a bit different. 

I really have no hidden intentions in writing this other than the fact that it was on my mind. I suppose the moral of the story is to check your priorities and see who you're trying to please. And, know that there's always going to be at least one person who wants you to do, be, or act differently. Sometimes, you just have to see what is true and what is more important in the long run. 

Reflections on War. Grab your gun.

Today, I was reading one of my friend's Blogs, and it inspired me. What's ironic is that my friend's blog was not overtly positive. In fact, she was talking about her struggles. My friend battled with anorexia in the past. She had a severe case, and it took a major toll on her body and mind. She's been through the worst parts of this war, but she was very open and honest about her struggles with it still today. Not everyday, but sometimes it creeps up on her. She has thoughts about food, self image, exercising, and etc. Anorexia is one of the demons and lies that she fights.

It takes a very courageous person to be open about their problems and battles. Such vulnerability is difficult. Why? Because you expose some of your weakest areas to other humans. You risk showing your weak spots, bruises, and scars. You risk people socially shunning you. You risk sour reactions from loved ones and friends. That risk, that fear... that is what holds people back from opening up. The alternative choice is to hold it inside. Lock it away where nobody can touch it. Accept the defeat and fight your battles alone against a legion of demons. You can see the danger in that.

Like my friend's battle, most of our battles reared their ugly heads the the worst degree in the past. Now, they are simply haunting. We may not have problems that we act on any longer, but that doesn't mean that the fight in our mind isn't over. The temptation. Lies that are whispered to us. Lies that sneak into our heads and effect our hearts. Things that, if we believe deep down, can destroy us. So, I'm not surprised when people tell me they're struggling. That something is haunting them. It doesn't mean they are defeated. If means that we can make WAR together.


If you were a soldier, and one of your own men who fought alongside of you took a bullet to the knee... He cries out to you for help! He screams! He's fallen and cannot walk by himself. He's down. Man down, man down! What do you do? You could leave him for dead... You could yell to the world that, "This man needs help!" You could scream, "Someone help him!!!!"... You could even look him in the eye and say, "Why didn't you dodge that bullet? You're so weak!" and walk away disappointed in him. Or you could run to him as fast as you can, bare the weight of his wounds with him, and help him walk back to safety.

Thank goodness that we have hope. Thank goodness that we are washed by blood. Thank goodness that we know where the power lies, and who wins the war at the end of the day.

When I think about these things, I see my own struggles. I see how crippling fear can be. And, I want to be a safe person for people to talk to. I want to respond to people with love and offer them HOPE for restoration. I also am inspired to open up more. Why? Because if you cling so tightly to your junk, it doesn't have much room to budge. Why not fight this war with other warriors? Through prayer. Through support. Through encouragement and up-lifting. Why not help each other out for goodness sake? Just be the ear that listens, the heart that cares, and the shoulder to cry on. And cry together. Fight together.

I know I'm young. I know I'm 22 years old, and that I'm completely insane for picking up and moving halfway around the world. But, I've experienced enough life to have seen some pretty poor reactions to struggling people. Some of those people completely turned away from the only HOPE that they have in this world because of said reactions. Looking to the man who ate and chilled with sinners for example, let's make a change. Let's make WAR together!

"I Miss You"

Somedays, I feel pretty down being here. I know that I'm not alone in this. I have the Father with me all the time. But, sometimes I miss things. I think that's normal. Or, I hope so at least!

Things I miss:

• My family... Mom, dad, Chris, and Gabe. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins! 
• My friends! The list of names is too long for that one! 
• Taco Bell-- Baja Blast Mountain Dew included
• Steak
• Batting cages
• Watching basketball
• GOOD ice cream
• Code Red Mountain Dew
• French vanilla coffee beans
• Redbox
• My car, Miguel
• My art studio at North Greenville
• Tie-dye materials that are readily available
• THE BEACH!!!!! 
• Malls, movie theaters, putt putt, Frankie's fun park, Fall's park, bowling, water parks, and roller coasters
• Build A Bear
• Camp La Vida
• MY GUITAR, HUNTER!!!!!!!
• Pop culture in general
• Cookie dough 
• Stuffed Crust pizza
• Double-stuffed Oreos

Ok, that pretty much sums it up. I miss these things on certain days. Some of them, I miss everyday! But, hey... there are alternate ways to have fun. Most definitely. My fun button has been altered. Now, farming for hours is considered fun. Climbing a mountain is fun. Fishing is fun. Having dinner at someone's house is fun. Just being together is what makes things fun here. It's a nice change. The friendship and company is what's fun! Just enjoying people. I can't tell you how many times I've said I was BORED in America! Now, the thought seems absurd. As my on the go life has majorly been turned upside down, there is time for rest. I've mentioned this in other posts, but I cannot honestly describe to you the weight of the change. It's like making a transition from living on an addictive substance your whole life and then just quitting cold turkey. And, who knows? I might just become a world-renown philosopher out of all this. 

MISSING MY MOM! I MISS YOU MAW! 

 MISSING CHRISTOPHER POTATO!

 MISSING GABIE BABY! 

Oh yes, and...

• Speed limits
• Traffic laws
• wearing shorts in public without being considered a prostitute
• American chocolate
• Seeing obese people
• Seeing black people
• The smell of Georgetown's paper mill on a hot day
• Hurricanes
• Pluff-mud

Futbol! Soccer! Teh Baan! Whatever feel's best.

One of my most favorite parts of the week is soccer every Saturday. Anywhere from 7-17 girls show up regularly to get some skillz. I love these ladies. If you didn't know, I've played soccer since I was 5 years old. I still remember my pee wee team was the Tigers and my mom made us an awesome mascot poster out of cotton-balls. Random childhood memory. Thanks, mom!

Ok, back to the point... I love soccer. I played every single year of my life until my senior year of high school. Because of tearing ligaments in my leg, I couldn't play in college. I was so so bummed about that, too. Sports and school were my life, though. Before my injury, I just poured into sports. When soccer and tennis were taken away from me, I thought... there goes all that hard work down the drain. I would've gone to a different school under a soccer scholarship as a beastly keeper. My life would've been different.

So, I feel like God closed one door and opened another through the injury. I was OUT of the game. So, I picked up a guitar one day that my dad found in the dumpster at our church. The rest is history. I started playing in youth bands and that became a great outlet for me emotionally and spiritually. He gives and takes away. Prime example.

Now, I'm getting the opportunity to coach a girl's soccer team here! How cool is that?
The girls are from 14-21 years old. They came out having ZIP skills whatsoever. It's been so much fun building relationships with them though. And making them do push-ups. Tee hee hee.

The most exciting day that we've had has been when they got new uniforms for free. The whole shebang! Shirts, pants, socks, cleats, and shin guards! It was the most exciting thing I've ever seen. All these girls were jumping up and down, screaming, and hugging each other. Christmas? No. Birthday? No. Holiday? No. But probably the best material gift any one of them has ever received. Thank you, US Embassy for the donation!

Now that I'm not teaching for the summer, we have soccer 3 days a week. We're more legit now, although I was the only one that finished the mile run today. Come on folks! It's only a mile!

I will post soccer pics later, but this is my team! Half of them at least. 

We had dinner at my place tonight! 

Today marks the beginning of my 6th month in country. Wow! Amazing. Time has flown by in some ways, yet moved in slow motion at the same time. After June is over, I'll have been here for 6 full months. That's half a year as well as 1/4 of my total time here gone.

How do I feel? Stretched, but not broken. Stretched by my heavenly father. The symbolism in the potter and they clay scenario comes to mind when I say I'm being stretched. Pushed, pulled, kneaded, and molded. Either way you look at it, I'm being changed. My mind is changing. My eyes are changing. My heart is changing.

I tell God on a regular basis to make me better. Make me less... Make you more, God. That way, people won't even see me. They'll see you. With this request comes a whole lot of things, but the biggest thing that has come has been the molding of my heart. I can feel something inside of me that is moving. In middle school and high school, I was pretty feisty, angry, stubborn, and cut-throat. Not to mention bitter. Since I've accepted God into my life, that person has been changing. Slowly. Painfully. But it's definitely happening. My life is different now, and there is no turning back. Seeing myself through His eyes has caused me to see others differently. I think I get a glimpse of how He loves. Jealously, passionately, whole-heartedly, selflessly, gently... This is how I want to love people. And me by myself??? I cannot love like this. I don't have it in my sinful self. But there is one who has mastered the art. Heck, he created it! And He's a great romancer of my soul. Man, how I want to be like him and see like him. By all means, God, keep changing me. I might feel like Stretch Armstrong, but keep pulling back my layers and molding me. That's the only way I have freedom... First, I have to give you the chains that bind me and ask you to rid me of myself. That's when freedom comes.

If these 2 years were a game of baseball, I'd say that right now, I'm sliding into first base.

Hitting the ball was the first step in going here. Saying... Ok, God, I hear you. I feel you leading me here. And, I'll go where you go. I'll love who you love. Whether I have to eat all my meals on the floor, sit on tiny wicker stools, eat bugs, get stared at, or feel like a complete stranger, I'm in. 

After all, nobody probably felt like more of a stranger than J3$us did. Out of place from a heavenly home and throne, and among sinners from a different culture.

So, here I am. This is home. For the first few months, this didn't feel like home. I'd say it was, but didn't really feel it deep down. Now? It feels like home. And what was abnormal is now becoming more and more normal to me. Learning how to survive is turning into learning how to function and thrive. That's a big big step! Where you go, I'll go. Who you love, I'll love. Where you stay, I'll stay. Who you serve, I'll serve. If this life I lose, I will follow you.

BRING ON 2nd base :) 

Fishing Extravaganza

In my 22 years on this earth, I haven't done much fishing. Let me rephrase that... I have been fishing many many times!! But I've never caught a fish, unless a baby shark counts. What I've always wanted to do though is catch a fish, clean it, and eat it! Like a boss. It just sounds like some kind of milestone in life that must be accomplished.

Hmong Fishing

Last week, my friend asked me to go fishing with her. I said sure! Why not? We piled on to her motorbike (3 people on one bike) and headed to the pond/lake with a bucket full of termites (bait), some fishing line, and some hooks. I'm thinking to myself... What about the fishing poles? Next, we ditched the motorbike and walked about a mile to the pond. 

In this moment, folks, I felt for the first time in my life as if I was living inside of a National Geographic magazine. Straight up. All the guys were standing knee-deep in the pond. In their tighty whities. Fishing. My friend's boyfriend comes up to us to say hello and talk for a bit. Now, I'm no expert, but if I had to make a guess, I'd say that it takes a certain amount of skill to talk to a man who's standing less than a foot away from you in that garb. Wet. My definition of Swagg has been re-defined. Officially. 

Another National Geographic moment was learning which wild leaves, berries, and fruits were edible. I think I could survive in the woods for life now. My friend would just walk to a bush and say, "You can eat this." She handed me a ton of things, and I ate them. Haha. Since I'm still alive today, I'd say they're safe to eat. 

Anyways!! Fishing. We have one huge spool of fishing line, and about 12 hooks on 2-foot long strings.  This is how it goes down. One guy holds the spool. The other guy takes the line and walks really far away. So, we have this line that runs the length of the pond. We then take the 12 short strings with hooks and tie them on to this line sporadically. Bait the hooks. Then, the guys walk to the pond, one on each side, and lower the hooks into the water. This, my friends, is Hmong fishing. Aint nobody got time for fishing poles! 

Moral of the story? It didn't really work. We got 6 fish total. All about 4 inches long. But my goodness, it was so much fun! 

Broke some rules, as usual

These people don't have many toys. They don't have much money. They wanted to swim, and I swam with them! Which is a cardinal health warning that the doctors tell you not to do. He he he. Don't swim in slightly polluted water. I had a blast though! We tossed around a piece of Styrofoam that we found and played money in the middle. I taught the kids how to do hand-stands, flips, and freestyle swimming instead of doggie paddling. It's the little things that bring so much joy here, and the relationships you make while doing them. 

Don't drink the water!!!

Just don't...

On Tuesday, I told one of my students that I'd go help her do some work at her house. In this culture, the people don't like to leave their house unattended. Even if it's for like an hour. So, my friend who's 22 got assigned the task of watching the house all day, everyday. This task is just as important as working and bringing home the bacon. 

She's at home alone every single day with nobody to talk to. She has to cook, clean, feed the pigs, feed the pigeons (which they eat), and keep her sanity. I visited her a couple of weeks ago, and she was saying how lonely she was here at the house. She said she used to have a dog, but it died. And she loved the dog. It was her company during the day. A dog costs 6 bucks here. I got the girl a dog. SOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!!! His name is Doo. Which means black. Creative, right? Wink wink.

Ok, ANYways... I asked her if she wanted me to come help her at her house, and she said sure! Come on by! Tuesday morning, I went to her house not really knowing what to expect. Would we be slaughtering pigeons? Feeding pigs? I had no idea!!! I got there and she had two gardening hoes. As some of you know, a couple of weeks ago, I went to another friend's farm and helped her family plow the land with small hoes and plant huge grass stalks for the cows to eat. We worked for 8 hours straight. I had blisters and all that!!!!! This time, when I saw the hoes, I just said... God help me! Not again!!! 

We proceeded to the garden, which isn't very small and takes up her entire yard. She had planted corn. A lot of cron! Our task? Take the hoes and chop the weeds/dirt around 100's of corn plants. Your girl was pretty tired after a few hours. And sweaty. And THIRSTY. So thirsty that I drank the very cloudy luke-warm water that was given to me. Maybe three cups of it. I paid the price for drinking said water for a few days. 

Hindsight: DON'T DRINK the water.