Oh, The Things We Say "In Love"

The Events of Thanksgiving Eve, 2017

I emailed my dad. We usually talk about shallow things and business-like topics. School, work, logistical information... But he had been texting me trying to get me to come to Charlotte to see his grandparents for Thanksgiving. Many circumstances and factors were working against making a trip to Charlotte, NC this year. 

1. I had just had a concussion on Sunday and was not driving myself anywhere, nor did I feel well.
2. I had fallen way behind on school work because of the concussion, and final exams/papers are the first week of December. Not to mention... wedding planning is consuming. And by the way? I had to prepare to preach the Sunday after Thanksgiving. 
3. I needed to see my other grandmother, aunt, uncles, and cousins in Columbia, SC to make wedding plans and catch up. My grandmother is walking me down the aisle. She was also going to give me spools of tulle to use at the wedding. My grandmother is a very key part of my support system. I want to spend as much time with her as I can in the years we have left together.
4. There is no place to sleep in Charlotte with me, my fiancé, and 2 dogs. 
5. My Charlotte grandmother wrote me saying her dog had been having issues biting, and I did not want to bring my dogs in that setting. 
6. The kicker: I am about to get married, and not telling my grandparents I am even gay or even in a relationship is getting old. Plus it's getting hard to evade the subject or explain who my fiancé is, much less why I live with her. I have been told for years to "never tell" my dad's parents I am gay for it would "break their hearts." But, I am out to everyone else and no longer wish to be partially closeted around people who I have been told to remain in the closet around. I am getting married for goodness sake. 
7. Additional bonus: I have not really lived in my dad's house/town since 2008 when I went off to college. I never came out in the town because I did not want to threaten my dad's job or create social hardships/economic hardships for the rest of my family. I told my dad that his parents and the small town I grew up in are the only places I am not out in. 

Why have I not come out to these two groups specifically yet? Because those are hard decisions to make. I can handle backlash for myself, but of course I do not want anyone else in my family to suffer in any way or be ostracized  I also wanted to respect the wishes of those who have told me to "never tell." But not telling is getting a little ridiculous considering the fact that I am getting married and would like to start a family on a 5-year plan basis. 

So, I wanted to explain myself to my dad and tell him that I plan on not going to Charlotte this year because of the many reasons above. I told him I was planning on writing a letter to my grandmother soon to tell her I am getting married, I am gay, and I will give her space to decide how she would like to go about having a relationship with me in the future. 

I owe this to my soon to be wife. I owe this to myself. 

I debated whether or not I should share my dad's response verbatim, but I do not want to pretend his words to not exist. I also do not want to hear his words alone. I have a tendency to take things inwardly and feel alone, but that is not a good thing to do. I have support. I want to be supportive others. I am free to tell my story. And this, this email... it is part of my story. So, let's talk about things and share with each other. 

The Email:

Holli,

Hope you are feeling better and that the concussion is healing.  Also pray you have safe travel to Columbia.

It is interesting that you wrote, as I have been contemplating writing to you similarly for a while.  Since you took the first step, I feel affirmed in responding.

Thank you for openly and honestly sharing your feelings and your viewpoints.  Mom has shared some of the things you have discussed with her by phone or text, but I appreciate hearing from you directly.

Before I get too far, let me first of all say that I love you.  I loved you before you were born, even before you were conceived--when there was just the hope and dream of you. And, in spite of what you probably often think, I love you and will always love you.  Of course, daring to love someone also means that you willingly submit yourself to the possibility of heartache.  If your heart cannot be broken, then it never truly loves.

Secondly, I am a sinner saved by God’s grace.  And in spite of His Lordship in my life through the Holy Spirit, I am still a sinner.  There are past sins that have left huge scars on many people, including you, for which I am deeply sorry.  God has forgiven me; most of those people have forgiven me.  But there will probably always be scars and consequences of those sins which can only be healed by God Himself.  And yet, knowing all of this, there are things I think, say, and even do every day that are flat out sin.  I am not perfect and never will be on this earth; all that to say that nothing following comes from a “holier than thou” attitude or perspective.

I have been to seminary (though quite a long time ago).  I have read and heard a myriad of teachings on a variety of issues.  There are opinions and feelings that, through a journey of life experiences, relationships with people, interaction with all types of believers, and personal spiritual growth, have evolved and changed over nearly 57 years.  I am more knowledgeable, experienced, and hopefully wiser than I was 35 years ago, yet I am still growing and learning.  Most days I am humbled by what little I do know and how far I still have to go to be like Christ.

I have learned this:  when it comes to right and wrong, when determining morality, there must be an objective yet authoritative standard; whether a person is a Christian or not, that standard is the Word of God.  God certainly does not need to base His truth on one’s belief in Him; it is unequivocally Truth.  One can choose not to believe in God, another can choose to believe in God, and another can be a true Christian, yet none of this affects that fact that the Bible is God’s Truth.  And within those Scriptures, basically very little is left up to interpretation or opinion, and certainly not to that of us imperfect humans.  We study, we explore, we learn within the confines of our limited knowledge, history, culture, and technology—but God and His truth do not change.

The issue of homosexuality, according to God’s Word, is not up for interpretation.  It doesn’t need to be— the Bible clearly states that it is sin.  You can theologize it, debate it, and disagree with it all you want to—nothing changes the Biblical fact that it is sin.  It doesn’t matter your denomination, your belief system, your opinion, or anyone else’s—it is sin.  That is not an SBC or conservative or fundamental interpretation—it is God’s Word.  You can philosophize, debate, doubt, twist, turn, spin, theologize, and justify it any way you want to; none of that changes anything!  Been there, done that.  It doesn’t matter what a professor, a psychologist, a scientist, a psychiatrist, a judge, a court, a legislature, a law, a preacher, a church, a society, a government, a nation, a survey, public opinion, or anything or anyone else says: homosexuality is sin.  Just because a society or a state or a denomination or a church accepts it does NOT make it moral or right; it certainly does not make it Christian. And, yes, it breaks my heart, grieves me, hurts me that my daughter, whom I love, has been brain-washed into this immoral and sinful lifestyle.    

As an extension of that, there is no such thing as “gay marriage;” in fact, the term itself is an oxymoron.  The Biblical definition of marriage—the only one that matters—is between a man and a woman.  Period.  It does not make ANY difference how anyone else wants to redefine it.  God ordained it and God established it; therefore it is God and God alone who has the privilege and responsibility of defining it.  You have been duped; Tara has been duped.  The biggest lie you tell/live is to yourself.  So don’t talk about you and Tara “getting married;” there is no such thing in God’s eyes.  It is an ill-advised, misinterpreted, Biblically inaccurate, irresponsible, God-defying fantasy of rebellion and sin.  You have been deceived.  And it doesn’t matter if you live in Kershaw, Georgetown, Charlotte, Raleigh, or New York City—sin is sin!  By the way, there is also no such thing as “gender/sexual orientation”—God created humans as male and female.  Period!  All this other stuff is man-made justification of sin and/or mental illness.

So, no, I will not be there on January 6. Thank you for the invitation, but I regretfully decline.  Mom and the boys are free to attend if they’d like.  I do pray that God will somehow intervene in your life (and Tara’s) before then; I know and believe He can, but, then again, that is not usually His style.  He often chooses to “give us up to ourselves” and let us have our sinful way until we are broken, humbled, and ready to go to Him, much like the Prodigal Son.  He never gives up on us; he is always waiting, looking, longing for us to return.  And if and when we do, He runs to us with open arms and receives us back as our child.  That is what I pray for you; that is what I do for you; that is what I hope will happen to you.  I pray every day that God will somehow deliver you from this sinful, immoral lifestyle.  I know He can; I cannot help but trust and believe that He will.  It might not be in my lifetime--if not, I will die with that part of my heart broken—but I hope it will be in yours, before it’s too late.

I am sorry you have had to lie for all of these years; that is one of the consequences of sin.  I know you think it’s everybody else fault, that we/they are in the wrong because your lifestyle is not accepted--been there, done that, too.  That is simply (and I speak from experience) an excuse to escape responsibility and accountability for our sin.  Deep down inside of your heart, I know that you know this is wrong.  It has been covered up by years of deception, false teaching, and lies.  I pray that God will peel all of that back and somehow allow you to re-discover His truth.  I had already decided to sit Mom and Michael down, hopefully on Thursday night or sometime Friday, and tell them about the lifestyle you have chosen.  If you want to send them a letter or whatever, that’s fine, but they do deserve to know why their granddaughter is not coming to see them for Thanksgiving.  I will ask her about telling Dad, considering his current mental state.  We probably should have done this a long time ago, but as their son, I have not wanted to see their hearts broken, as I know they will be.  But you are right: as you are choosing to continue to digress down this path, they deserve to know.  And I will let them decide how they want to handle it and their relationship with you.  One of the ugly things about sin is that it can destroy relationships or at least cripple them; your choice of sin can and will have a bearing on the types of relationships people choose to have with you, but they are not the ones who cause it.  

I will say that it is not fair for you to put your grandparents or us down; you are the one who has chosen a lifestyle of sin, and it is not right to blame others for the consequences.  No, a “belief system” cannot be passed through a bloodline, just as salvation cannot be.  However, a Christian belief system must be based upon the principles and foundation of God’s Word.  Sin is defined and has been judged—not the person, but the sin.  God instructs us to be discerning and to be in agreement with what He and His Word have already judged.  As difficult as it might be sometimes, we are to love and care for the person, especially with regard to their eternal destiny, but that does not mean that we are to be tolerant and certainly not condoning of their sin.  That simply is not Biblical.  The difficulty of that challenge is multiplied when the person is someone we love and care about deeply.  To stand for what is right and against what sin is according to God’s Word is not wrong!  That is the tactic of our liberal society: stand for the Bible and disagree with sin, and you are called extremist, fundamental, hateful, bigot, intolerant, slanderer, un-American—the list goes on.  This is our current culture’s coping mechanism for refusing to take responsibility and accountability for sin.  

Yes, God is love, but He much more than just love.  Jesus died to save us from the penalty of sin—eternal separation from God in a place of torment and suffering called hell—but we must not forget the prophecy about Jesus.  True, I am in Singing Christmas Tree mode, but remember that Isaiah declared that the coming Messiah (Jesus) would save us from our sin, not just from the consequence of our sin.  When Jesus healed—physically and spiritually—He forgave person’s sin but He also told them to “go and sin no more.”  Did they sin again? Of course—we all do, even after our salvation experience.  But did they continue in their same lifestyle of sin?  No!  And while we like to focus on the love and grace of God, we cannot disregard His judgment of sin and the fact that with forgiveness comes a call for repentance: turning away from sin and turning to Christ as Savior and Lord.

You know this--I know you do.  Somewhere deep inside your heart, I know you know this. But truly believing it is quite different. 

Yes, we are all getting old.  Your remaining grandparents are approaching their mid-eighties; your dad is almost 60!  None of us knows how much time we have left—heck, I could die before I finish typing this!  And no one ever said that the last years of our lives, even when we’re old, are going to be without heartache.  It’s just sad when that heartache comes at the hands of someone you love because of their bad decisions, and that’s why I hurt for Mom & Dad and for Mom & me.  It’s not because our personal dreams for you have been shattered; the only thing that I ever wanted for you was for you to be everything God made you to be, whatever that would be, in His will and way. The heartache is that God did not make you a homosexual—there’s no scientific proof of any sort, physiologically or otherwise, nor will there ever be—which means that, as long as this is your lifestyle, you cannot be everything He made you to be.  I will always love you as my daughter; but as long as you choose to go down this path, I will grieve and be disappointed.  But please do not interpret that as not loving you.  Perhaps one day, if you ever become a parent, you will understand.

Although this isn’t the best time, give me a little while to talk with the staff and deacons of the church.  I do not want you to feel like you have to live a lie for my sake or the sake of my job.  I will share this with them and allow them to choose my fate.  If the church is as loving and supportive as they have been in the past and as I believe they will be, I hope that they will be disappointed and grieve along with us, that their broken hearts (and there will be many) will move them to prayer for your repentance and delivery, as well.  However, if they no longer want me to continue as their Minister of Music because of this, I will resign.  Quite frankly, I’ve grown weary of the cover-up and not knowing what to say when people ask about you, anyway.  I know that there are already people in the congregation who are aware and some who probably suspect, but I’d rather just get it out in the open and deal with the consequences, especially if you are going through with January.  God is in control. 

I have gained a deeper perspective of who you are based upon your email and I trust you have done the same.  We will probably continue to vehemently disagree and this will continue to put a strain on our relationship, although perhaps less so now.  I would respectfully ask that you and Tara not display physical acts of affection in our presence or that of our church or community (if you ever come to Georgetown).  In the meantime, please drive safely and take good care of yourself.  Look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

I Love You, 

Dad

Oh, the things we say "in love."