The Wounds Your Silence Brings Today

The Wounds Your Silence Brings Today

I don't typically harp on things like this, 
But I've lost the words to say.
I don't know if you can see the wounds
Your silence brings today. 

A milestone of my life is here.
I'm happily engaged.
When others share this special news,
Rejoice!... Cuz they're not gay.

But me? What do you do?
Say nothing? Turn the cheek away?
Don't share our love with anyone.
Don't treat us the same. 

"I'm strong. I'm strong!" I tell myself.
I'll live another day. 
Who cares if no one cares
Or shares my happiness today?

I'm expected to be the bigger one
The one who has to pay.
And act as if I'm invincible, 
As if I am not phased.

A smile can fool the hateful ones.
But, I plead... see through my face.
Walk a day inside my shoes.
Feel what I feel and can't escape.

I don't want you to change your views
Or alter all your ways.
I just beg you to be aware
Of silent messages you display.

And of the hearts of those you hurt,
Of those you hush with hate.
Of those who face oppression
For loving genders same

How do I go about this?
"Just be quiet," so you pray.
Tuck your tail and dip your head.
Accept your lower fate.

That would please you, I'm sure,
But I refuse to break!
I will not push under the rug
The unequal, silent hate.

So no, I don't typically harp on things like this, 
But I've lost the words to say.
I don't know if you can see the wounds
Your silence brings today. 

     I wrote this poem tonight. It touches on the feelings I've been having this past month. Coupled with the bliss I've been feeling because of my recent engagement are little stings that come from peoples reactions- or should I say, lack-there-of. When a girl and a guy get engaged in the small community I live in, it is immediately announced. Sometimes, it is even announced the day of! Verbal and written affirmation is given. All encourage the newly engaged couple and spread the word of their engagement. Obviously, they are of more value than those who do not fall in love with the opposite gender. Why? How do I know this? Because their news has more value, their lives seem to have more value in the eyes of some people. I see the different treatment. I feel it. It doesn't go unnoticed. I just wanted to share my silly little poem that shows some of the feelings I have had as of late.
     Be aware of what your silence does... to marginalized peoples in your world... whether by race, religion, ethnicity, romantic attraction, socio-economic status, or whatever! You fill in the blank. People are strong because they have to be. Just be aware of the depth of pain that silence can cause. The marginalized are not idiots; they see what you do or do not do, they hear what you say or do not say, and they feel at all times even if they don't let you see their pain. I am engaged to a woman who is the love of my life, and I will not be ashamed.

Signing out for the night. Have a blessed one.
~Holli

Oil, Flour, and Strength to carry on

   

     There is a story in 1 Kings about Elijah. God tells Elijah to go to a town called Zarephath. God said he had commanded a widow in town to feed Elijah, so Elijah faithfully traveled to Zarephath. As the story goes, the widow is outside gathering sticks for a small fire. She has a handful of grain and a small ration of oil. Her plan was to cook the last bit of food she had as a last meal for her and her son. After eating their last meal, she said she and her son would die. This proclamation did not phase Elijah. He said, "you will cook some food for me, then you will cook for you and your son." Even though the widow thought she was going to die, she cooked for Elijah. They ate for many days.

     At first glance, this story seems really cool and simple. God said there would be a widow in Zarephath to feed Elijah, Elijah went to the town, the widow cooked, and they ate for days. 

     But hello! The widow thought she and her son were going to DIE because they were out of food! And this complete stranger comes along asking if HE can eat the last bit of food they have. What in the world? I'm not sure what surprises me more:  1. The fact that Elijah seems like a jerk for taking this lady's last bit of food, yet has enough faith that God will provide food for them all, 2. The fact that the lady goes ahead and cooks for Elijah, Or 3. The fact that even though the odds were not in anyone's favor, the oil and flour never ran out! They not only ate one meal, but they ate for many days! 

At this time in my life, the 1 Kings story gets to me. I moved from South Carolina to North Carolina on a major leap of faith. I did not know where I was going to live or how I was going to afford life bills plus school bills. I worked 40 hours a week at Food Lion and Domino's Pizza, took a full-time load of Graduate classwork, and ended up renting a place to live. There was a time where I had to get food stamps. There have been many times when I wonder how in the world I am going to keep living the way I'm living for the next 3 years. 

I haven't been down to my last handful of grain yet. My oil has not run dry. 

Somehow, food has been on the table. Somehow, school has gotten paid for, Somehow, I have been able to work and go to school full time. Somehow, the rent has gotten paid each month on time. Somehow, there is always enough left for my car payment. And sometimes, I don't know how it happens, but it does. I am in Divinity School on a leap of faith, and my oil and flour have not run dry. I don't know if I would have had as much faith as Elijah did. I don't know if I would have gladly given my last meal for my child and I to a stranger. Also, I wonder if the widow was glad. Did she feel happy about giving her food away, or did she think she was out of food and going to die anyways? Why not die faster and give up now? Was she at the end of her hope and will to go on? 

The 1 Kings story is powerful. It gives a reason for HOPE, it gives a reason for FAITH, and it has encouraged me the past few weeks.  

"You've Been Grinding Your Teeth."

At the Dentist

I went to the dentist this past month for a teeth cleaning. I've always been told that I had very nice, pretty teeth. However, this visit was different. "You've been clenching and grinding your teeth," said the dentist. My jaw dropped. In my head I was thinking, "No way! This has never been an issue. What the heck?" Then, the dentist asked me if I was stressed. On the drive home, I pondered my stress (which was very easy for me to pin point). 

There is an idea and expectation that plagues my mind: "You need to be on your own when you finish college. Independent. Self sufficient. An adult." I think I've heard this my whole life. In fact, this idea of independence has been rolling around my head since I started Kindergarten. 

 Having an income is a necessity. To get a job, you have to have experience. When you get a job, you have to have an address. In order to rent a place to stay, you have to have proof of income. To travel to and from your job, you need a car or some type of transportation. The car uses gas. The car needs to be insured. The rental property needs to be insured. There are start up fees for all utilities: electricity, water, sewer, trash, gas, internet, cable, and whatever else you have. 

Then you decide that what you really need is a better job. The better jobs require higher degrees. Master's Degrees. Specialized Degrees. So you apply to graduate school. You have pretty good grades from college, so you get a scholarship. But wait! The scholarship can only go towards full time students. If you do school full time, you can't work full time; you must work part time. Part time jobs don't have any benefits like health insurance and dental... 

Conclusion: Life is hard, expensive, and stressful. 

I'm not really sure how most people do life without being in debt. I've been trying my best to do life without taking out student loans and racking up credit card bills. I'm hoping that a day will come where I don't have to live from paycheck to paycheck- a day where I won't grind my teeth in my sleep. Until then, I will press forward and make sure to wear my night-guard. 

Conquering Holli's Mind Games

Sometimes, I find myself wondering what the point is. What’s the point of going to grad school fulltime? Will something come of all this toil and effort? I’m not sure, and the unknown is a scary place.

As of a week ago, I just finished my first year of Divinity School at Campbell. I finally got a better job after a year of working at places like Food Lion and Domino’s Pizza. I am dating the person who I’m 99.99% sure I will be spending the rest of my life with (and that’s a pretty high percentage). The point is, there are good things happening in my life.

What I find curious is that the tangible, logical facts and events do not replace the feelings that I have inside. The unknown has the potential to be destructive and numbing.

When the years of studying and effort are finished, I will have two Masters Degrees: one in Divinity and one in Counseling. Hopefully, I will be able to find a job. The time between those events and now is a season of preparation. I must remind myself that this is a temporary season.

The moral of this tiny rant is this: I must be at peace with the stage of life I am in, and I must fully be present in it. Why? Because otherwise, fear of the unknown future could steal the joy and fullness away from my present; it could consume my mind and leave me in a constant state of zoned out doom.

I wanted to share my head issues with anyone who may want to read about them. Hopefully, we can all link arms and help each other through the unknowns of life and the future.  Let's avoid a major face-palm.

Responding to HB2

The Facts: 

On Wednesday, March 23, North Carolina passed a law called HB2. The law is also known as Charlotte's Bathroom Bill. The law effects many members of the LGBT Community (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered).  

Transgendered people do not identify with their biological sex. Despite what sexual organs they were born with, in their hearts and minds, they do not feel that their outsides match their insides. Trans people do not always surgically change their organs, but they often look the same as men or women who have identified with their biological organs since birth. For example, a person who was born with female genitalia, yet identifies as a male, may wear male's clothing, have facial hair, or go by a male name.

With the passing of HB2, transgendered people are not allowed to use the public restroom designated for the gender with which they identify.

Under the new law, only these categories are protected from discrimination: race, religion, color, national origin, age, handicap, or biological sex as defined on a person's birth certificate.

Holli's Reaction:

One thing that the law does not take into account is sexual orientation. Defining one's gender does not define one's sexual orientation. 

Here are a two examples:

1.  Born male > identifies as female > desires relationships with females

2.  Born male > identifies as female > desires relationships with males

A person's sexual orientation is not defined by his/her gender. 

It is interesting to me that some groups have protested holding signs that read, "PROTECT OUR WOMEN!" People who picket in full belief that women are in danger do not seem to understand the concept of being transgendered. A transgendered person is not the equivalent of a sex offender, a pedophile, or a sexual assailant. Transgendered people most likely want to use the bathroom (urinate or defecate) that has been specified for the gender in which they identify. 

I personally think that HB2 is dangerous and silly.
Outward appearance does not reflect morality. 

Some people who identify with their biological gender look "more manly" or "more effeminate." However, society has created a definition of what a women and men should stereotypically look like. Society makes a separation between men and women's clothing, hairstyles, scents, postures, and styles. No matter the outward appearance of a person, his/her moral compass could be just about anything. 

It is unfair to assume that a transgendered person has a sexually twisted moral compass.

It is unfair to assume that a transgendered person would want to hurt someone. 

It is unfair to assume that a transgendered person would be innately dangerous to be around. 

Whether one knows it or not, one has most likely been in a room or restroom with a transgendered person an had no idea of the fact. 

What if a woman who identifies with her biological female gender looks manly? Is it anyone's right to say that she cannot urinate in the women's restroom because she looks more like a man? The concept is ridiculous to me; it creates unnecessary paranoia. The danger is that people will always be looking over their shoulders in bathrooms, thus searching for someone who may look stereotypically different than society says they should. To single out a person based on his/her appearance is judgmental and condescending; it makes one less than another. No matter a person's outside looks, his/her inner self could fall on a wide spectrum of morality; none knows the inner workings of another based on physical appearance. 

In my opinion, HB2 creates paranoia and fear towards which is different and misunderstood. 

I encourage everyone to love others regardless of their appearance. Also, get to know someone who is different than you. Ask about their life, their morals, their beliefs, and try to understand where they are coming from. Live life with a spirit of understanding and compassion rather than judgment and fear of that which is different. 

Snuggle a Puggle

Have you ever heard of a Puggle? 

I happen to have one as a best friend. 

PUG + BEAGLE

 

= PUGGLE

I ordered Julius Caesar Holmes from an online breeder. 

He flew all the way from Ohio to Myrtle Beach International Airport. 

My furry friend goes by many names, but just to name a few:

• JuJu
• The Jooj
• Ju Bean
• Joojie Poojie
• Handsome
• Lovey
• Snuggly Puggly Wuggly 

 I got Julius when I first came home from my 2-year term in Laos. He made me feel loved and understood in a time in my life when I felt like a complete weirdo. Re-adjusting to life in America took a whole lot of work. I had to learn how to fit back into a puzzle that I had not been a piece of in a while. Needless to say, some of my pegs had lost their original shape and no longer fit into the open spaces allotted to them. I even cut off my long hair because I felt so different inside; I wanted my outward appearance to match how I felt inwardly. Julius helped me by being a constant, non-anxious presence in my life. 

I highly recommend Puggle snuggles to everyone, but other dogs will show you unconditional love as well. I will forever love JuJu for being so cute and soft, but I appreciate him all the more for being a supportive, furry friend who is fiercely loyal. 

God Provides

A Personal Testimony

I followed God's call to Campbell University last June.

I had my clothes and a bed with me, and I scored a job at Food Lion. 

I rented a house in town, but needed roommates in order to afford it. 

I didn't know anyone.

God provided.

I didn't have much to my name. 

People helped me. 

People gave me old couches, old dressers, an old TV, and a microwave. 

People gave me gifts. 

I had food stamps each month.

God provided. 

I switched from cashiering at Food Lion to delivering pizzas at Domino's.

I was overeducated, but I had a job. 

I met people on campus and networked. 

I made friends. 

Friends connected me to a better paying job on campus. 

Coworkers and friends became my roommates.

God provided. 

Am I content now? Yes.
But was I content during the waiting period? Yes.
Why? Because I may not have had what I wanted, but I have always had what I needed.
God provides. 

Obedience to God does not mean that we will always get what we want, but God will always provide us with what we need when we obediently follow. Looking back on the past year makes me thankful. I see God as being faithful rather than a God who would leave me in the dust. This is my testimony to God's faithfulness and provision. 

No, I'm not a healthy, wealthy billionaire who obeys in order to earn prosperity in life. However, I am a thankful human being who testifies to God's faithfulness. 

Trust… Trust the one who made you.