New Beginnings in Merica

Well folks, it's been about 2 weeks since I've been back in America. I'm trying to figure out how exactly to do life here. What I now have on my hands is a whole lot of time. Time. I'm in some weird in-between stage at the moment. Part of what I've been trying to figure out is how to spend this time. So, I'm doing it the best way I know how.

What have I been up to? 

My brother's band concert. 

My brother's football game. 

Kindergarten field trips with my mom's class. 

Watching the Nightmare Before Christmas with my brothers. 

Visiting my best friend in the upstate of SC. 

Dancing the night away. 

Playing tennis with my dad and brothers. 

Visiting my grandparents in a pea sized town for a bit. 

Carving pumpkins.

I'm trying to make the most of this extra time. So far? It's been fun to get a taste of the things I've been missing out on. One day at a time, I feel like I will eventually get used to being here again. What's going to happen tomorrow or the next day is something I'm trying to let go of, give to God, and not worry about too much. It's just time to soak up the precious time that I have with people in my life. I'll find my place and figure things out eventually. For now, I'm just being for a while.

I miss my home away from home. Southeast Asia is on my heart and mind every day that I breathe. 

Here's to transitions and change. 

When Wal*Mart causes depression

I'm back in America. It's officially been one week. I've noticed a whole lot of things that I never used to notice before. I know that I am an American. But let's put it this way… Imagine for a second that all Americans are squares. And all the people where I was serving are circles. Then you have me. I was a square, but when I moved away, I started to lose (painfully lose) my corners and edges a little bit. Now? I'm some strange octagon. Not really a square, not really a circle. It feels pretty weird.

Holli is an…. 

So, Wal*Mart is a bit overwhelming. I go inside and cannot buy more than a handful of things.  Hearing super fast English all the time is overwhelming. What did you say? Come again? 

Everyone is moving so fast! Why are you guys so busy? Let's go plant rice and take a nap at our fruit stand. Church is really nice and formal. I can understand everything that everyone says (and sometimes I'd rather be in the dark for some conversations). There are no pot-holes in the roads. The dirt here is dark brown instead of reddish orange. American food is now bland to me. Yeah, I do feel like an alien. Things aren't better or worse here. Things are just different. I can take a shower for days. The water would still be hot. The water would still be ON! It's kinda nuts. 

I've enjoyed seeing friends and family so far. I still get a little blinded in my mind over how to answer: "How was it?" Oh! And I don't know how to respond to: "I bet you're glad to be back." It was a whole lot of things cuz it was 2 years. Was it good? Yes. Challenging? Yes. Did I grow? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes. Hard times? Yes. Difficult? Yes. An entire rainbow full of answers for that question. And yes, I am glad to see people. I'm not necessarily glad to be back. I miss the land that became my home. I miss the people who became my second family.Maybe I could take all the people I love in America back to Asia with me. That's a nice compromise. Who's in? 

To all my peeps here in the USA, sorry if I'm weird, socially awkward, or can't seem to find the right words to say at the moment. Bare with me. I'm sure things will get better with time. 

-Octagon Life

OMG! Why'd you cut your hair?

Guilty: I cut my hair really short. 

It's true. You might have seen pictures of it on Facebook already. I personally love it. Many people have asked me why I cut my beautiful locks off. As always, I have answers for you. No worries. 

Drum roll, please! I cut my hair before I came home because I feel so so different inside. Usually, people look at the outside only and assume it reflects the inside. Cutting to the point here, I didn't want to look the same as I did before I left because I didn't want people to assume that I was/am the same now. I want the outside to be a direct reflection of the inside: Changed, Different. I feel like a completely different person after living overseas. Maybe I have the same personality, but I have grown and changed so much over the past 2 years of my life. 

I was really nervous about cutting my hair this short. I think it's super cute, kinda sexy, and really fun to play with and spike up every day. For me, cutting it off was symbolic of what's going on inside of me. One huge chapter of my life has come to a close; the next one is new, mysterious, and uncharted territory that I've yet to see. Land that I've yet to walk on. New oceans that I've yet to taste. When I cut my hair off, I symbolically felt the old parts of me being cut away and falling onto the floor. When I took a shower to wash all the hair off of my body, I felt like those past parts of me were being washed away. And even when I cleaned gobs of my hair out of the shower drain, I felt as if I were throwing the old me into the trash can. 

I looked into the mirror afterwards and finally saw a reflection of myself that accurately portrayed how I felt inside. And since people look so much at the outside and make so many judgments from it, now they will be able to accurately assume that I have changed. They will know on the surface by looking at me that my hair is different. Maybe then they will begin to make the connection that the inside of me is what has really changed. 

By the way? I love my short hair a whole lot.