Getting Knocked Off My High Horse Of Entitlement

MY WATER CHALLENGE

Our water has been off and on, but mostly off, for a few months now. Before rainy season hit, everything was extremely dry and dusty. Our water came on for a few hours LATE every night. We'd stay up to fill up all of our buckets and pots with water to use for the next day. Right now, the water is still off and on. Luckily, it's strong enough to travel up the pipes into our house though. What has been such a change is getting used to heating up water on the stove before bathing. We heat up a couple of pots to knock the chill off of the water in out bucket. Then, we take a dip bath with a ladle. This entire process bugged the mess out of me at first, but it has become just another part of life here now.

A new experience during dry season: I was feeling extremely dirty seeing as how my showers have been… well… few and far between. So, I had to dip water out of a big bucket outside in the moonlight with the frogs living inside and bugs flying around in order to bathe myself and attempt to wash my hair. This is the first time in my entire life that I have ever bathed outside under the stars -- not because I was camping and chose to do so-- but because I HAD to in order to stay clean.

In this country, I have traveled around and seen many people in villages bathing at the local water spigot beside the road. I have thought of them before and wondered about their lives, but last night I got a little taste of a different world, a different life. To many of my friends, bathing like this is normal. They don't have water heaters and showers inside for the most part. Bathing outside and taking dip baths have been truly humbling experiences for me.

"LET THEM EAT CAKE"

I went to a birthday party for one of my soccer girls the other day. We met in her wooden house lined with old calendars and posters (insulation). I always feel a bit awkward at parties, but I go anyways just to be there for the person who's having a birthday. On a small, round, traditional wicker table, there were some snacks and a cake that was 6 inches in diameter. A few trinkets sat around the cake, and those were her birthday presents. There were about 25 people at her house, and I wondered to myself… "How on earth are all these people going to split that tiny cake??" 

Time passed by, and it was time to cut into the tiny cake into most treasured pieces. I was asked to do the cutting. I asked my friend, "How many pieces should I cut? There are a lot of people here." She simply replied, "Six." I was wary of her answer because I was thinking… "OK, 6 people will get cake, and everyone else will go home cake-less." I cut the pieces anyways and waited to see what would happen next. What I saw amazed me and totally took me off guard. 

Each person who was handed a cake plate shared it with a group of about 5 people. It wasn't even a question to them. It was an expected thing! They all knew what was about to happen… They all knew that they would pinch off pieces of cake and treasure each small morsel along with the people in their community and family. 

SPOILED

I am sitting at my house right now with a strange feeling inside. Part of me wants to cry. Part of me feels rich and stingy. Part of me wants to open the doors of my house and let anyone who wants to come inside enter and share all that I have with them. I want to open my cabinets and spread the love to the world. I feel spoiled. I feel like I unknowingly flaunt my well-offness to others here. Now, I am aware of how well-off I am and always have been. Being in a house where my friends have close to nothing, yet seeing them still share everything eats at my core. It gnaws on my every thought and emotion and really bothers me inside. WHY? 

Because I am spoiled. I always have been. I have always had hot water in my house, clean water to drink, electricity, clothes, and food in overabundance. That is a security that is being challenged by life here. Here, I go without for one day, and I feel like I have been wronged in some way. I naturally expect to have certain things in my world. Throughout my time here, I am also getting knocked off my high horse of spoiled entitlement, and that is a good thing. One of the results of living here is that I feel more thankful and blessed. I also feel like sharing more of the things that I have been blessed with, not only when I have an obvious excess, but when I have barely nothing as well. "God, help me to give… Help me not to hoard gifts from you or others… Please keep my spoiled, entitled heart in check." 

Certainly Uncertain

Of one thing I am certain: Uncertainty 

Being here in Southeast Asia where life is slow and laid-back, where my normal background noise has come to be goats and chickens outside of my window, I have had a lot of time to think. I write more and take the time to ponder a lot of things that I had never had the time to think about before coming here. During my thinking time, something has majorly surprised me. Within the folds of my logic, facts, and reasoning, I have discovered a lot of layers, links, emotions, triggers, and feelings that other people may never understand. And even though others may never fully "get" me, these things are still a big, true part of me. They may not define who I am wholly, but they certainly help make up who Holli is. 

I came to Asia to share and serve others. I knew what my purpose was, and I still know what my purpose remains to be. I knew that my time here would change me and effect the way that I see forever. However, I didn't expect that the impact would be so deep and life-altering. 

My time here is not over yet. I still have 3 months and some change of my term, but if you asked me what words I would use to describe the experience so far, I'd say: 

Healing, Feeling, Growth, Metamorphosis, Peace, Self-Exploration, Discovery, and Ownership

It's easy to trek through life and walk around as if you have everything figured out. It's easy to have boxes that you can put everything and everyone inside of. Having a two-sided coin and slapping people, situations, thoughts, or emotions on either side of the coin is so simple. What's really tough is delving into these 4 things for the multi-faceted, layered, complex, unique things that they are. It's also easier to jump head first into the deep of someone else's person. Tackling self is a whole lot harder. I feel like a recurring theme for my time here has been self-tackling; coming to terms with me. If you know me, you know that I do believe in God. I like to say that, "God always has something up his sleeve, and God has big sleeves." Part of the reason that God led me here to this place has become clear to me: I am here to grow. 

I should be certainly uncertain about where I am and about where I think others are in life, because where we are is ever-changing, ever-growing, ever-molding. In other words, I'd rather peruse life as a learner, thinker, and listener than one who blindly speaks, boxes, and knows things. To always be the student rather than the professor. After all, I as a person do not possess the credentials or rights to be the professor of my life and everyone else's. 

Summary? I don't have it all figured out. 

Additional conclusion? And that is OK :)  

Now, for some less serious stuff! 

Me in the local style dress. We did a photo shoot, make-up, hair, and this is totally out of my character. 

BUT! It was fun, and I wanted everyone to see the local digs. 

My roommate and I. Our house is always an adventure with 4 different languages being spoken in order to communicate! Learning to give and receive patience. 

My soccer girls and I watching some soccer ed. videos. 

Highlights of last year's women's world cup. 

Me getting a haircut in the capital. Everyone say hello to Apple, the chick with the awesome haircut chopping my locks off. I seriously need to broaden my hair horizons. She's rockin that pink! 

And, counting my blessings here to have good friends all over the world. 

Thank you God for reminding me that I am not alone.