Underestimated

"How are you doing without the help of your friends?" 

I will never forget the day I was asked this question. I was on Christmas break during my Freshman year of undergrad. I went to a Christmas party with my family. Lo and behold, I ran into my elementary school's gifted and talented teacher. 

I didn't really know how to respond. I cocked my head, squinted, and said, "The help of my friends?" She just smirk-scowled at me. 

I enjoyed running into her for the next 4 years of undergrad because I knew that she had seen my face posted in my small hometown's paper in the Dean's list section. This gifted and talented teacher thought that I was anything but gifted and talented, but I did my best and succeeded nonetheless. 

This teacher had her star pupil's picked out from the first day of class. She had known their older siblings and had bright expectations for them. If you did not grow up in my small town and did not have a bright older sibling, you were screwed. Her special bunch got chosen to go to the academic fair or the brightest of the bright. She never chose me, so I used to think I was just not as smart as them. 

I still have scars from her treatment of me, but they have now healed. However, I will always remember running into her. She only taught me for 3 years of elementary school, but for some reason she still felt that she could try to sink her claws into me although I was an adult. 

"You have to work really hard to get that. People who get that are extremely hard working." 

I was just told that statement last week at graduate school. I do not know what this person meant by telling this statement to me right after I had just told them I was trying to get the thing they were referring to. 

Hopefully, when I get it at my graduation in May 2019, they will think that I am a hard worker. I would like to have thought they already thought this of me- that I was a hard worker who has the capability of academic success. Maybe this person was making a general statement that meant to say nothing about me. I have no clue. However, I felt a bit underestimated. Are people truly that underwhelmed by me? 

One of my supervisors wanted me to read a letter of recommendation they wrote for me.

I was trying to apply for a job, and I needed some recommendation letters. While most people kept their letters private and only shared them with my future employer, this person let me read her letter.

I do not remember the exact words, but I will always feel their message: there is more to me than meets the eye.

I don't want to puff myself up. Generally, I feel super down on myself. People tell me things about myself that make me feel lower than poop in the dirt. I like that at least one person saw that I have more to offer than meets the eye. I am modest about it. It's not in my being to brag and gloat. I prefer silent, modest success. I prefer my work and effort to speak for itself. I prefer to express myself with my actions- they will speak for themselves.

Yet here I am using words to blog. Ironic, I know.

Blessings

I cannot believe this semester is almost over. I can finally smell the aroma of May 2019 graduation. So many life events have been paired along with this semester. We bought a house and moved to a new town. I started a new internship at a new church. We are still navigating our first year of marriage. Many good and busy things have happened.

When I started this journey, I did not have much. I packed up everything I owned, claimed furniture off of the side of the road, worked whatever jobs I could find, and relied on food stamps to eat. So much has changed from then to now. I cannot believe I am married, have 2 dogs, and live in a house that we own!

Thanksgiving just passed, and I think I have a lot to be thankful for. I consider all of these things to be blessings- blessings paired with hard work, but gifts to be thankful for nonetheless.

Let this be a short blog of gratitude.

A Healing Heart

You do not know how deeply you have touched me.
I was so deflated. I considered giving up, letting go.
But you found me. We found each other really.

Not many people, places, or things have built me up.
You are strong cement. You have sturdy blocks.
My foundation was broken, but you mended it.

How can it be that not so long ago I cried on the bathroom floor?
Maybe the universe caught my tears and laid them on your heart.
Because of you, my face is dry. I'm learning joy. Yes, I smile more.

My lungs had shrunk. Their air was gone- two dusty bags inside me.
Shriveled rubber carcasses of empty balloons rotting.
You brought me back to life. You filled my soul.

I dreamt of my heartbeat stopping. Better if I were gone.
Better to feel no more. Better to be somewhere else.
You showed me I have worth. I am valuable to this world.

I lost faith in most people. So many bridges crumbled.
They shattered them willingly, in front of my face.
My hands left with none but ash and rubble.

Up from the dirty destruction you came. A green sprout.
You brought life and beauty. Can this be true? Are you real?
Why would you want to be here with someone so unworthy?

But you had love for me. Tender care. Patience.
You were not like the other faces. You looked inside me.
You did not turn away or ask me to change.

You foster growth. You lift me up. Inspiring. Encouraging.
Maybe this is what it feels like to be cherished- to be wanted.
Maybe this is what it means to have a healing heart.